Monday, 6th July 2020

Of course the central heating's still on, it's almost June, says Britain

BRITAIN has chided itself for unrealistically hoping that the central heating might be off as early as the end of May.

As the country once again woke, tried to pretend it was not freezing cold, gave up and flipped on the thermostat, Britons grimaced at how naive they had been.

Eleanor Shaw of Stafford said: “Well of course there’s still an icy chill in the air. Technically it’s still spring.

“So it’s absolutely normal and unremarkable for the smart meter to be showing that heating the house cost me a fiver yesterday, and not, for example, nothing.

“It’s great to be all snuggly and warm, like I was for the movie last night, under a blanket while already wearing three layers with the heating on and June just around the corner.”

Meteorologist Julian Cook said: “Last year the UK experienced a mass delusional phenomenon that made everyone think there was a heatwave for months, which there wasn’t and which couldn’t happen.

“This year it’s back to normal. Get the heating back on a timer. This is what it means to be British.”