THE modern world is place of diverse sexual orientations. Here are five that confuse and terrify Daily Mail readers.
Not straight
According to Daily Mail readers, humans are hardwired to be heterosexual and engage in joyless missionary sex a maximum of three times a month and on each partner’s birthday. How else do you think the species propagated? They’re begrudgingly aware that other sexualities exist but daren’t consider them acceptable because they might be tempted to experiment.
European
Europeans are the sworn enemies of Daily Mail readers, both in terms of politics and in the bedroom. This is due to them indulging in all sorts of sordid activities like French kissing, pre-marital sex and making women orgasm. Now Britain has left the EU the country is free to stick to its favourite kink: self loathing.
Harry and Meghan
Whatever two consenting adults get up to in the privacy of their own homes is totally fine with a Daily Mail reader. Except for when a Royal is involved. At that point they raise concerns that totally ‘aren’t racist’ yet always seem to demonise Meghan, and then get furiously angry when the hounded couple decide to move to America.
Vegan
Everything about veganism baffles Daily Mail readers, including the fact it’s a dietary choice not a sexuality. It’s because they have always felt that oral sex is akin to a disgusting consumption of flesh, and therefore it’s hypocritical of vegans to enjoy it. They also think ‘pulled jackfruit’ is some kind of kinky sex reference, rather than a tropical fruit with a texture vaguely like pork.
Childless over 30
The most confusing of all sexualities to a Daily Mail reader. What could a woman over 30 without kids possibly expect to get out of life or contribute to society? She’ll have to spend the rest of her days with disposable income and free time while getting eight hours of undisturbed sleep every single night. Confusing at best, morally reprehensible at worst.
