From not straight to childless over 30: five sexualities Daily Mail readers don’t understand

THE modern world is place of diverse sexual orientations. Here are five that confuse and terrify Daily Mail readers.

Not straight

According to Daily Mail readers, humans are hardwired to be heterosexual and engage in joyless missionary sex a maximum of three times a month and on each partner’s birthday. How else do you think the species propagated? They’re begrudgingly aware that other sexualities exist but daren’t consider them acceptable because they might be tempted to experiment.


Europeans are the sworn enemies of Daily Mail readers, both in terms of politics and in the bedroom. This is due to them indulging in all sorts of sordid activities like French kissing, pre-marital sex and making women orgasm. Now Britain has left the EU the country is free to stick to its favourite kink: self loathing.

Harry and Meghan

Whatever two consenting adults get up to in the privacy of their own homes is totally fine with a Daily Mail reader. Except for when a Royal is involved. At that point they raise concerns that totally ‘aren’t racist’ yet always seem to demonise Meghan, and then get furiously angry when the hounded couple decide to move to America.


Everything about veganism baffles Daily Mail readers, including the fact it’s a dietary choice not a sexuality. It’s because they have always felt that oral sex is akin to a disgusting consumption of flesh, and therefore it’s hypocritical of vegans to enjoy it. They also think ‘pulled jackfruit’ is some kind of kinky sex reference, rather than a tropical fruit with a texture vaguely like pork.

Childless over 30

The most confusing of all sexualities to a Daily Mail reader. What could a woman over 30 without kids possibly expect to get out of life or contribute to society? She’ll have to spend the rest of her days with disposable income and free time while getting eight hours of undisturbed sleep every single night. Confusing at best, morally reprehensible at worst.

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Middle-aged woman has been hiding tattoo from her parents since 1998

A WOMAN in her 40s is still hiding a tattoo she had done more than 20 years ago from her parents.

Emma Bradford had a butterfly inked on the back of her shoulder after getting wasted on her gap year in Thailand in 1998, but has kept it a secret from her mum and dad for fear of getting a huge bollocking.

Bradford said: “It was a spur of the moment thing after I’d consumed some questionable mushrooms at a full moon party. I loved it at the time but as I’ve aged it less resembles a butterfly and more an obese pigeon.

“It’s been an absolute pain in the arse to remember not to wear a strappy top when I see them, and I never swim on family holidays, but it’s better than mum getting furious and calling me a ‘council estate scutter’. She’s a massive snob.”

Mum Mary said: “Emma thinks we don’t know about her tattoo, but she’s forgetting all those Instagram holiday photos where she’s wearing a bikini and it’s clearly visible.

“We couldn’t give a monkey’s, especially since I had a sexy dragon tattooed on my hip during our second honeymoon. But it amuses us to keep her paranoid and worried.”