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Gammon cries if you try to take his golly

A MIDDLE-AGED man has admitted he is reduced to tears when there are threats to take his beloved golliwog away. 

55-year-old Wayne Hayes of Colchester loves his golly from when he was a child, for sentimental reasons, and because he is a proud and free Englishman and anyway there is nothing racist about it.

He said: “He’s always been there for me. On my pillow, on my marmalade, reminding me of the innocence of my bigotry. Comforting me when there’s a mixed-race couple on an advert.

“But just because black people have found it horrendously offensive for decades, suddenly I can’t have my golly any more? That’s not fair, and conveniently makes me the victim.

“What people don’t understand is that if I suffer in any way – hearing a language I don’t understand, names I can’t pronounce, even the thought of a foreigner doing something wrong – I get really upset and only this child’s toy can comfort me.

“I can’t let the woke lefties take it away from me and there’s nothing weird about getting this worked up over a cuddly toy. Not when it represents the sum total of all the prejudices I hold most dear.”

Mother Irene Hayes, aged 84, said: “Our Wayne loves his golliwog. He wouldn’t want anyone to know but he gives it special kisses in the night. No, he’s never married.”

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Six things your ex and her new partner are saying about you

YOU believe the relationship ended with dignity and mutual respect. What she’s telling her new partner is a great deal funnier than that. Here’s what they’re laughing about: 

Every monumentally stupid thing you ever said

It’s easy to repeat bollocks you’ve not thought through. Your guard was down. You didn’t really believe there was a hook-handed killer hiding in the back of your car, though she’s recounting it as you very much did and crapped yourself. Everyone’s gullible occasionally. It’s not fair you look an idiot and he gets sex.

Every bad gift you ever gave

Poor planning, lack of funds, an attempt at humorous irony or just misplaced spontaneity means yeah, you gave your share of shit presents. That doesn’t mean she has to take him on a little tour of them while ignoring all the good, thoughtful gifts. While if he gets her a naked woman apron and sex dice it’ll be adorable because he’s new.

Each one of your sexual failings

Obviously you’ll be unflatteringly compared to him. But while at the time she claimed she didn’t mind that sex didn’t drag on, it wasn’t as brief as she’s making out. That bastard she’s with now is going to turn it into a recurring joke, calling you ‘hair-trigger Tommy’ and ‘Johnny come-early’ which isn’t accurate because it was actually very fulfilling.

All the times you got too pissed

You were having fun! Vomiting over yourself after getting thrown out of an Uber, deep-frying a frozen pizza, those widely separated urination incidents; each was a good night. He doesn’t need to look saddened you’d put her through such horrors then begin giggling ‘What a pathetic twat, though’. Bet she’s not mentioned when she fell asleep on the toilet.

Every ex you ever had, as evidence

How did such a wonderful woman end up with such a prick as yourself? Well, she memorised your exes and is listing them in order of comedy value to emphasise that she was the exception. Don’t imagine there’s any solidarity between women: anyone you shagged who was fat, thick, ‘common’ or mental is up there.

He’s just realised he knows you

You live in the same city, you’re similar in age, and the new boyfriend has just realised, uproariously, that he’s actually met you. And you were, he is happy to confirm, one of the most pitiful pricks he’s every had the misfortune to encounter. ‘That’s so funny!’ your ex says, while frantically worrying about all the stories you could tell about her.

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