Gap year wanker embarks on journey of self-discovery to Plymouth

A GAP-YEAR twat has set out on a year-long journey of self-discovery all the way from Plymouth to Bournemouth, he has confirmed. 

Due to restrictions on foreign travel, sixth-form graduate Jack Browne of Swindon has cancelled his trip to Thailand and looked closer to home for a transformative trip through tourist areas that he can drone on about at length to anyone who will listen.

He said: “Yeah, I’m going to be backpacking across the south coast, hoping to really share the lives of the indigenous peoples and learn about their rich, ancient culture.

“It was a tearful moment when I waved goodbye to my parents and boarded the standard class train carriage. Slumming it are what these epic travels are all about.

“It’s really about rejecting materialism for a deeper spiritualism and finding the self I am beneath these cultural trappings as I push a shopping trolley round the aisles of Endsleigh Garden Centre.

“As I wander from Saltash to Newton Abbot to Wimborne, I hope to find answers to the real questions of life. And even if I only do boring stuff, I’ll exaggerate it in a desperate attempt to appear worldly-wise and get laid.”

Browne is expected to get off with a girl from Reading halfway through his trip and end up marrying her, just as would have happened if they had met in Goa as scheduled.

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How to make your quarantine just as good as your holiday

IF you’ve been on a break outside the UK, you may now have to take a second, enforced holiday inside your own house. Here’s how to make sure it’s just as good as two weeks in Benidorm.

Keep up with your Spanish siestas 

If you got into the habit of sleeping for two hours after lunch like the Spanish do, why stop now? Aside from the fact that it will be a lovely reminder of your holiday, you’ve got f**k all else to do for a fortnight and this will kill some time.

Cook some authentic Portuguese food

Why not rustle up some of the meals you enjoyed whilst you were away? You’ll probably soon find out that those traditional bifanas taste way better when made by a Portuguese person in Lisbon, but you can throw together a ham sandwich and pretend it’s the real thing.

Practise your French

If you felt your French conversation was improving, why not use two weeks of quarantine to keep practising? Give up on holiday-related phrases like ‘Ou est la plage?’ though, and find out what the French is for ‘Where is the nearest coronavirus testing centre?’.

Sip some Belgian beers

If you enjoyed some fabulous Belgian beers whilst you were in Brussels, it would be foolish to stop your holiday drinking now that you’ve got two weeks with bugger all else to do. Don’t worry if you forgot to bring some home: Tesco home delivery will have you covered.

Flush all your money down the toilet 

If you went on holiday to Monaco, you’re either very rich or very stupid. Either way, mimic being in the priciest destination in Europe by throwing wads of cash out of the window whilst smoking a huge cigar.