We cannot return to Ed Sheeran post-coronavirus, warn experts

THERE can be no going back to the complacent pre-Covid culture that produced Ed Sheeran, experts have confirmed.

The public is being urged to remain on the alert at all times for another uncontrollable outbreak of mass tastelessness that was responsible for Galway Girl reaching number one.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Although lockdown has been difficult, it has given us a real chance to wipe out dangerously contagious music like Ed Sheeran’s forever.

“By making everyone, including Ed Sheeran, stay at home, we have reduced the likelihood of exposure. If we keep it up, we may be able to eradicate this pandemic of generic blandness altogether.

“Anyone accidentally exposed to an Ed Sheeran track in a pub, restaurant, gym or taxi cab should immediately apply ear sanitiser.

“Furthermore, if you know anyone who has had prolonged exposure to the music of Ed Sheeran, the entirety of Divide for example, they must self-isolate.

“Whilst these sacrifices are hard, it will  be worth it to never have to hear Shape of You ever again.”

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Woman who wore different tops all week to even up tan with gaffer tape

A WOMAN with clashing tan lines after wearing different tops all week is evening up her skin with strategically-placed gaffer tape. 

Grace Wood-Morris has so many mismatched blocks of contrasting skin that she resembles a patchwork quilt, so has blocked out large areas of her body with the popular handyman’s tape in the hope of coming out even.

She said: “I went out in a backless top on Monday, a strappy one Tuesday, a halter-neck Wednesday, et cetera. There’s barely an inch of skin that hasn’t seen sun, and barely an inch that hasn’t been covered.

“When I’m nude I look like one of those abstract pictures you get in a Travelodge. So I’ve got to take action, and gaffer tape is simply the most practical way.

“I’ve applied it over all the darkest areas and I’m planning to spend the day in the garden, turning like a rotisserie chicken.

“Then on Monday I’ll be so used to wearing nothing but gaffer tape I’ll probably go to work in it. The world’s totally weird nowadays, so why not?”