Cars driving painfully slowly behind to admire his skills, cyclist believes

A CYCLIST believes he is the envy of drivers who cannot stop looking at him after seeing the long snake of traffic that has formed behind his bicycle.

Martin Bishop, 46, is on a countryside cycle ride in order to avoid his family for the day and has noticed that drivers are giving him intense, passionate stares.

Bishop said: “It’s a pretty cool feeling to be the envy of a whole A-road. They probably like my stylish water bottle.

“Or maybe they’re wondering where I purchased my shorts, which are both sweat-wicking and padded for maximum buttock comfort.

“Whenever I go out on my bike, cars queue up behind me to watch how I tackle hills. Sometimes they shout compliments when they finally pass me. I can’t tell what they’re saying, but their faces look so animated.”

Driver Emma Bradford said: “Why do we have to hold up our journey because he’s decided his hobby is crushing his balls against a saddle every weekend?

“And why did he smile and wave when I beeped at him? He seems like even more of a bellend now.”

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Staycationers sending pathetic little postcards

STAYCATIONERS are sending pathetic little postcards to family from places like Weston-super-Mare with pitiable pictures of Britain on the front. 

The postcards, which are as depressing to send as they are to receive, contain no hint of exoticism in either picture, stamps or content.

Hannah Tomlinson said: “Last year, I got a postcard from Auntie Cheryl of a Greek statue with a big cock.

“Its very aroma was redolent of white sand and ouzo, and its slanted handwriting told of an affair with a fellow guest that was long over when it arrived with us, three weeks after she got home.

“This year she’s sent a picture of Aberystwyth. It arrived the day after she’d sent it, the photo could have been taken in 1955 and the message was about getting a parking ticket.

“It made me want to jump in the sea. Though not at Aberystwyth, because apparently it’s full of McDonald’s cups people have crapped in.”

Tomlinson will later this month send a postcard reading: ‘Dear Auntie Cheryl, Skegness is dull as f**k, wish I’d stayed at home to be honest. Sorry. Love Hannah.’