Homes with storage heaters begin annual battle with cold and logic

RESIDENTS of houses with storage heaters have begun yet another doomed attempt to find out how, or if, they work. 

As Britain draws closer to winter, people without central heating embark on their annual struggle to work out how boxes of electrically heated bricks are meant to keep them even slightly warm.

Tom Logan of Newport said: “I moved in here five years ago and was mystified by these strange, occult boxes on the walls where radiators should be, and I’m no nearer now.

“If you don’t turn them on at night, you freeze the next day, but the only instruction on how to do that is two mysterious, almost blank dials. Sometimes they make the place intolerably stuffy. Mostly they barely radiate heat at all.

“If by some fluke you manage to set the timer, it takes so long to heat up that it’s time to go out again by the time you can take your coat off. Don’t even get me started on understanding Economy 7.

“The only thing they reliably produce is a nameless, unsettling smell, like the incense at a black mass for Satanic androids.

“Sometimes I think the best solution would be burn the flat down. I’d be nice and warm and the storage heaters would be gone forever.”

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Middle-class child told he can be anything his parents want

A MIDDLE-CLASS boy has been told he can grow up to be whatever he wants to be, as long as it earns at least six figures. 

Six-year-old Archie Turner’s father told him to let his dreams take flight and follow them anywhere, before stressing that if his dreams take him to a career in the arts, outdoors or working with animals they will need to be redirected.

Dad Joseph Turner said: “You can be anything you want to be. But we don’t want to embarass Mummy and Daddy, do we?

“Practically that means lawyer, doctor though ideally consultant, teacher in private school or academy head, dentist, anything in computing where you’re heading a team of 500 programmers in Mumbai, or pharmaceutical rep.

“It’s amazing watching your child grow up and nuturing his character in a very proscriptive way. I just want him to be happy, within a strict set of pre-determined guidelines.

“Imagination can open so many doors. But not as many as my contacts.”

Logan Jr said: “When I grow up I want to be a dinosaur racing driver, a space explorer or an actuary.”