THE cold snap is here, but there isn’t enough heating to go around. Here are the desperate ways your family will be competing for warmth this winter.
Saying their room is the main room
Only heat the main room, is the energy-saving advice, but everyone is the main character in their life story, so by extension their room is the main room. Your dad will insist his shed should get the electric heater because that’s where he hides out for days at a time, and your mum will try to nab it even though the kitchen oven chucks out loads of warmth.
Calling in old favours
Remember the handful of favours you did for your family? It’s time to ruthlessly cash them in if you want a prime spot in front of the three-bar electric fire. You didn’t show your brother how to clear his internet history for nothing all the way back in 2017. That could be rather embarrassing if the details got out… Now watch him begrudgingly shuffle out of the way.
Telling you there’s no room
Opening the door for even a second will cause precious warmth to escape. That’s why your family has propped a chair up against the living room handle to prevent you from getting in. They claim there’s no space, so, like Mary and Joseph, you’ll have to trudge around in search of warmth before sitting in the modern equivalent of a stable: a bus shelter defaced with cock pictures.
Visiting the in-laws
Desperate chilliness calls for desperate measures. Instead turning on your own heater, why not pop round to your most disliked family members and steal their warmth? You’ll have to endure their company, but you’ll save hundreds of pounds by the time they get bored of making veiled criticisms of you and kick you out.
Descending into a survival of the fittest scenario
It’s everyone for themselves this winter. Entire families will be crowded around the storage heater like piglets straining to suckle on a sow. Runts will get crushed in the struggle, leaving the bigger and stronger family members to take the spoils. Bad luck, gran, but you had a good innings.