EVERYTHING’S fine, that’s the news! The strikers will get bored eventually! The cold’s a blip, there won’t be blackouts, and my party will warm to me!
I’m Rishi Sunak, the prime minister of these islands, and I am relieved to tell you that Britain is motoring along smoothly toward a fantastic Christmas.
Strikes? You know what public sector workers are like. They strike over nothing, the prima donnas. Try to reduce the number of pens they steal and it’s ‘Everybody out!’
Yes, there are quite a few strikers. Bloody loads, if you’re in a counting mood. But, like a child demanding a treat at the till – no Anoushka, you can’t have another Hermes scarf – you just have to say ‘No’.
Once they realise I don’t give in to pressure, the strikers will pack up their pickets and settle happily back to work as if all this nonsense never happened, so effectively it isn’t happening.
In the Commons? There I stood firm against pressure by agreeing a compromise on housing targets. My MPs get what they want, and I got to keep my record of no defeats. So again nothing happened. Who needs houses anyway? More than four are a burden.
The cold? Well, this is a cold country and proud of it, so it’s not worth mentioning in any context. Gas bills that are slightly higher, 96 per cent or so, are a marvellous incentive to go green and turn the heating down or off.
And cutting usage means there’s more to go around for everyone so there won’t be blackouts! It’s a self-solving problem! It cancels itself out and never took place!
So there you go, Britain. All that stuff you’re concerned about? Not real! Well, that’s my job done for the month. See you in January!