THE government wants the whole of Britain to enjoy a summer of sex because an MP is bringing dildos to Parliament. They will under-deliver on this erotic promise:
Porn will remain inaccessible
Age verification means anyone unwilling to hand photos of their horny faces over to shady bastards can no longer see the hard stuff and are quickly forgetting which hole does what. Pressing the big red ‘Porn ON’ button in Downing Street would open the floodgates, lifting the nation’s spirits and libidos instantly, but they’re too afraid to be popular.
It will be tediously educational
You don’t begin a bacchanalian orgy with the member for South Derbyshire holding up a butt plug in front of the Speaker, so this won’t be one. Instead, it will take a dreary, academic approach with a focus on education and self love. Noble intentions, but tragically unsexy. What’s wrong with Badenoch pegging Starmer over a table? Simple and classic.
Rachel Reeves’s daily briefings will be unsexy
Any government initiative means frequent updates, so we’ll be kept abreast of the state of national sexiness by the chancellor. The chemistry, laughter and spontaneity good sex requires will be absent from her punishingly numeric reports on the number of semis achieved in the Midlands. Cocks will wilt, vaginas dry and the bond market become skittish.
It’ll get downscaled like HS2
Just like HS2, the summer of sex is an exciting prospect sure to be mired in red tape and financial shortfalls. Gradually it will be downgraded to a July of sex, before being further restricted to a weekend of tit-flashing that only Londoners will be able to experience in 2046. Nonetheless, it will cost the nation eight billion pounds.
Lord Mandelson will be in charge
Women love a bad boy and Mandelson always comes back. Inevitably, given his ties with sexy sex-trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, he’ll lube his way into the top role. Unless Starmer can handle the scandalous revelation with his usual smooth aplomb, the summer of sex will be entirely shagless and end up with a third of the nation being forcibly made eunuchs.
