Monday, 6th July 2020

How to be a pain in the arse in shared gardens during lockdown

ARE you using a communal garden during lockdown? Here’s how to behave as if it belongs to you personally and f**k everyone else.

Play shit music

Any shit music will do – Coldplay, maybe some Celine Dion. But go the extra mile and research and download some truly awful rubbish – Star Trekkin’, tuneless dubstep, Let’s Work by Mick Jagger. Remember to put songs on repeat to really f**k people off.

Frequent barbecues 

‘Frequent’ meaning ‘every day’. Make sure the entire shared garden is full of smoke, rapidly followed by the greasy smell of cheap sausages. Also invite far too many Stella-swigging mates over to turn the garden into an infection hotspot and talk bollocks loudly.

Too much washing

If you have a shared rotary dryer or similar, do not give any other f**ker a chance to use it. Wash clean clothes unnecessarily if necessary. If no such facilities exist, put up a load of clothes lines to form annoying obstacles and give the garden an exotic ‘South American shanty town’ vibe.

Let your dog run amok

You should own a very irritating dog. All of these are excellent:

● Any breed that is extremely hard, eg. Staffies or Rottweilers. There’s no better way to ruin other people’s enjoyment of the garden than living in fear of being eaten.

● Any dog of any breed that won’t stop barking. Self-explanatory.

● Any dog who is just a twat. These needn’t be intimidating, just a total pain. Good ‘twat dog’ habits include prolific shitting, eating grass and barfing up pools of sick, and showing everyone their unpleasant penis.

Get sexy 

Do heavy petting with your partner that looks as if it could turn into penetrative sex at any moment, leaving parents using the garden on tenterhooks in case their kids are about to get a very graphic explanation of the birds and the bees.