How to defeat every animal in hand-to-hand combat, by a bloke down the pub

OFTEN find yourself pondering how you would best a bear if it came to it? Guinness enthusiast Bill McKay explains how to kill any animal with your bare hands: 


I live in Stourbridge, but that doesn’t mean I won’t come across an escaped anaconda at some point. We’ve got a zoo. My first port of call would be its stupid little snake eyes. Take them out with your thumbs then throw it in a duck pond. They breathe through their skin so it would die instantly.


I watch documentaries about surviving bear attacks and with my brains and skillset, I know I’d walk away unscathed. If a grizzly came up to me in the street, I’d simply kick it repeatedly in the ursine nuts until it was down. Then keep kicking.


My cousin swears he saw a hammerhead off the coast near King’s Lynn so frankly I’m resigned to the fact I’ll have to kick one’s arse one day. If one were to turn up in Dudley canal I’d hook my fingers right in the gills, then headbutt its stupid f**king shark face.


I’d have a different technique for fighting an alligator obviously, I’m not a bleeding moron. But if I was cruising down the Nile and saw one of these boys in the water I’d jump in and shut its mouth with my hands so it couldn’t bite me. Then I’d bite it. See how it likes it.


These bastards are all over the park and need a lesson teaching. If a rabid squirrel tried to chew my nephew’s face off, I’d show the little f**ker who’s boss. When it jumped up I’d grab it and bite off its head like it was a meaty Frube.


My girlfriend’s cat always gives me this really evil, sly look. If the bastard comes at me claws out I’ll drop a plant pot on his head and then put the body in the bin before she noticed. What? That’s not a weird thing to plan for. F**k off.

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The tough no-nonsense timetable Britain is imposing on oligarchs

WHILE Germany and Italy impound yachts, legislation in the Commons today gives foreign miscreants a punishing timetable to follow: 

JUST 30 DAYS to conclude business arrangements in the UK, hammering Putin-linked oligarchs by forcing them to accept below-market prices for their assets

JUST 90 DAYS to apply for exemption on the grounds of ‘the interests of the economic wellbeing of the UK’, a loophole no Tory MP would ever exploit to protect a mate

JUST SIX MONTHS to register UK-owned properties, hitting war-backing billionaires who now only have until mid-November to transfer deeds to a network of shell companies based in Jersey and the British Virgin Islands

JUST NINE MONTHS to get a golden passport from the Home Office, who by this same deadline will have granted a generous 300 temporary work visas to Ukranian refugees

JUST 18 MONTHS to make a substantial contribution to the UK’s future in the form of a political donation to the natural party of governemt, whoever that should be

JUST TWO YEARS for the first court case to be won against an Unexplained Wealth Order, effectively rendering every provision in this bill completely toothless and unenforcable

JUST TWO-AND-A-HALF YEARS for all this nonsense to blow over just in time for Johnson’s re-election campaign in which he will take full credit for the victory in Ukraine or not mention it if Ukraine lost

JUST EIGHT YEARS until Nigel Farage is given a full state funeral in Moscow

JUST TEN YEARS until an official enquiry into corruption at every level of British government during the period 2010-2030 is announced, the result of which not be published for reasons of state security.