OFTEN find yourself pondering how you would best a bear if it came to it? Guinness enthusiast Bill McKay explains how to kill any animal with your bare hands:
I live in Stourbridge, but that doesn’t mean I won’t come across an escaped anaconda at some point. We’ve got a zoo. My first port of call would be its stupid little snake eyes. Take them out with your thumbs then throw it in a duck pond. They breathe through their skin so it would die instantly.
I watch documentaries about surviving bear attacks and with my brains and skillset, I know I’d walk away unscathed. If a grizzly came up to me in the street, I’d simply kick it repeatedly in the ursine nuts until it was down. Then keep kicking.
My cousin swears he saw a hammerhead off the coast near King’s Lynn so frankly I’m resigned to the fact I’ll have to kick one’s arse one day. If one were to turn up in Dudley canal I’d hook my fingers right in the gills, then headbutt its stupid f**king shark face.
I’d have a different technique for fighting an alligator obviously, I’m not a bleeding moron. But if I was cruising down the Nile and saw one of these boys in the water I’d jump in and shut its mouth with my hands so it couldn’t bite me. Then I’d bite it. See how it likes it.
These bastards are all over the park and need a lesson teaching. If a rabid squirrel tried to chew my nephew’s face off, I’d show the little f**ker who’s boss. When it jumped up I’d grab it and bite off its head like it was a meaty Frube.
My girlfriend’s cat always gives me this really evil, sly look. If the bastard comes at me claws out I’ll drop a plant pot on his head and then put the body in the bin before she noticed. What? That’s not a weird thing to plan for. F**k off.