How to find the right work/life/obsessing about immigration balance

IF you’re British it can be hard to juggle a demanding job with family life and constantly worrying about immigration. Here life coach Nikki Hollis explains how to make time for your unhealthy obsession.

Decide what really matters to you 

Is your career less important to you these days? Alternatively you might feel stifled by family life. Maybe what’s most precious to you is saying ‘F**k off, we’re full!’ every time immigration is mentioned? It should be the last one. What are you, some Remoaner who hates British war veterans?

Learn to prioritise 

Don’t just comply with every demand on your time. Step back and ask yourself: do you really need to go to your daughter’s fifth birthday party when there’s an important phone-in about immigration on LBC? You’ve only got one chance to enjoy this moment of racists rambling incoherently to Nick Ferrari. Until tomorrow, anyway.

Listen to your body

Do you feel tired all the time? It’s a sure sign you’re working too hard, trying to be a perfect parent and still finding time to be furious about immigration. Start getting a good night’s sleep without fail. Remember to keep a hammer under your pillow to fight off Albanian pimps who want you for their brothel. Yes, even a paunchy 40-year-old man. They’re that evil.

Don’t neglect your own hobbies and interests

Your wife can have her birthday meal on her own. She can take a book or something. You’re spending the night camped on the cliffs of Dover with a pair of binoculars looking for dinghies and dialling 999 whenever you think you see one, although it might just be a wave. You deserve quality ‘me time’.

Ringfence your time

At work start knocking off promptly at 5.30pm and be strict about it. It’s the only way you’ll be able to put in the time on newspaper comment sections posting illiterate rants about ‘millions of Siryans coming hear for a free TVs’.

Have realistic goals 

You can’t be expected to work like a slave, be mum or dad of the year and singlehandedly repel the foreign hordes sent to replace indigenous Brits by Cultural Marxists. You’re not superman or woman. Which is a shame, because you could rotate the Earth backwards to the utopia of the 1950s, when the only foreign language you’d hear was ‘Ve hef vays of making you talk!’ at the pictures.

Reap the benefits

A good work/life/immigration balance is totally achievable. You’ll be more energised, see less of your kids, not give a toss about work and spend thousands of hours being pointlessly triggered by tabloid headlines. So start making changes NOW.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The shagging order for band members ranked, by groupies

GROUPIES don’t just have sex with band members willy-nilly, they have a strict and logical ranking system in place. Here Nikki Hollis reveals the sometimes surprising order of shaggability.

5. Keyboard player

For when there’s no one else available. He’ll usually be found composing a new tune because he’s ‘the real creative force in the band’. He’ll blather on about his classical training and how he’s heavily influenced by Bach’s use of diminished seventh chords. If you’re still awake, don’t ask to do it on his keyboard, he won’t like that.

4. Bass guitarist

These quiet types are a steady, methodical shag. You know exactly what you’re getting: zero foreplay, no chat, and the opportunity to text people during sex. The lack of glamour is an obvious drawback, but chances are he’ll check whether you’re up to date with your Covid vaccinations, and give some post-coital advice on your tax return.

3. Lead singer

The lead singer wrongly assumes he’s the first-choice shag, like Jim Morrison. But then Jim Morrison was an enormous twat. A frontman prefers to be fellated as he’s too important to waste time and energy on sex, or to return the compliment. Even then he’d phone the band’s manager complaining his tongue was exhausted and demand a ‘tongue massage’.

2. Lead guitarist

The genuine creative talent of the band, he believes, whatever the keyboard player may say. His creativity is well-hidden though, as he nerdily rambles on about his 1952 Fender ‘Strat’ and threatens to show you his utterly useless paintings. Just make sure you can stand him noodling away on his guitar all the bloody time, possibly also during sex. 

1. Drummer

The true wild man of the band. The drummer will work himself into a frenzy when performing and needs and a great deal of sex to wind down. You needn’t worry about him being sexually unadventurous, because he’s just driven a car into a swimming pool on a near-lethal cocktail of heroin and cough mixture. Maybe don’t make any long-term plans, though.