DOES your partner keep unfairly expecting you to share tasks equally? Here’s how to get them so horribly wrong they will be forced to take over indefinitely.
Buying a present
It’s a straightforward gift, maybe chocolates for your neighbour Lynne who watered your plants while you were on holiday. That’s super-predictable though, so how about vibrating love eggs? You’ll never be asked to buy Thorntons again.
Dressing smartly for an important event
‘Smart’ is subjective. Black jeans are smart. Your ancient sports jacket is a jacket, therefore smart. A Fred Perry shirt is very formal compared to your Rolling Stones ‘Hot Lips’ t-shirt. Jesus, how smart do you need to be for a funeral anyway? Basically, if you look like Pete Doherty after a 72-hour binge, your partner will have all your clothes laid out ready for you next time and will even do your tie so you don’t look as if you’ve tried to garrotte yourself.
If you’ve finished breeding or have no wish to start you both have a big vested interest in avoiding unwanted pregnancy. Big enough to terrify your partner into taking responsibility, whether it’s with an IUD, the pill, condoms or ‘the snip’. Find pictures of screaming babies and say things like ‘Aw, isn’t that cute?’ That will make sure they don’t forget.
A great chance to get out the weedkiller and recreate the chemical bombing of the Ho Chi Minh Trail. However massacre US forces (flowers) and Viet Cong (weeds) indiscriminately. You’ll immediately be placed on non-combat duties, eg. filling the bird feeder occasionally.
Doing a big shop
There’s just no way you can not f**k this up. Straight away delete from your list essential items such as milk and bog paper. Return way over budget with items which are interesting – a frozen lobster, a bottle of Veuve Clicquot, a balls trimmer – rather than capable of being turned into a meal. Be sure to take your kids, who are experts on nutrition and will gladly go and fetch 12 large bags of vitamin-packed, high-fibre Haribo.
Picking the kids up from school
Simply ‘forget’ and let your phone run out of charge to avoid the bleating of your kids, partner and teachers. So what if they’re still at the gates at 7pm, or have to walk eight miles home? They’re always saying today’s cosseted kids don’t go adventuring outdoors enough. You can’t have it both ways, society.