How to f**k up tasks spectacularly so your partner has to do them

DOES your partner keep unfairly expecting you to share tasks equally? Here’s how to get them so horribly wrong they will be forced to take over indefinitely.

Buying a present

It’s a straightforward gift, maybe chocolates for your neighbour Lynne who watered your plants while you were on holiday. That’s super-predictable though, so how about vibrating love eggs? You’ll never be asked to buy Thorntons again.

Dressing smartly for an important event

‘Smart’ is subjective. Black jeans are smart. Your ancient sports jacket is a jacket, therefore smart. A Fred Perry shirt is very formal compared to your Rolling Stones ‘Hot Lips’ t-shirt. Jesus, how smart do you need to be for a funeral anyway? Basically, if you look like Pete Doherty after a 72-hour binge, your partner will have all your clothes laid out ready for you next time and will even do your tie so you don’t look as if you’ve tried to garrotte yourself.


If you’ve finished breeding or have no wish to start you both have a big vested interest in avoiding unwanted pregnancy. Big enough to terrify your partner into taking responsibility, whether it’s with an IUD, the pill, condoms or ‘the snip’. Find pictures of screaming babies and say things like ‘Aw, isn’t that cute?’ That will make sure they don’t forget.


A great chance to get out the weedkiller and recreate the chemical bombing of the Ho Chi Minh Trail. However massacre US forces (flowers) and Viet Cong (weeds) indiscriminately. You’ll immediately be placed on non-combat duties, eg. filling the bird feeder occasionally.

Doing a big shop

There’s just no way you can not f**k this up. Straight away delete from your list essential items such as milk and bog paper. Return way over budget with items which are interesting – a frozen lobster, a bottle of Veuve Clicquot, a balls trimmer – rather than capable of being turned into a meal. Be sure to take your kids, who are experts on nutrition and will gladly go and fetch 12 large bags of vitamin-packed, high-fibre Haribo.

Picking the kids up from school

Simply ‘forget’ and let your phone run out of charge to avoid the bleating of your kids, partner and teachers. So what if they’re still at the gates at 7pm, or have to walk eight miles home? They’re always saying today’s cosseted kids don’t go adventuring outdoors enough. You can’t have it both ways, society.

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Five porn star names men will pretend not to recognise

TALKING to a man? Drop the names of these porn stars into conversation and watch him feign ignorance about their identity.

Angela White

‘Angela who?’ men will splutter with forced disbelief as if they haven’t seen the Australian actress’ videos. However the lustful expression creeping across their face is a dead giveaway they’d like to rewatch her back catalogue for the millionth time. Much like Scorsese, but with a box of tissues.

Lisa Ann

A name to catch out multiple generations of horn dogs because she’s been in the industry so long. ‘Oh, I think I’ve heard of her,’ they’ll say while scratching their heads. ‘Isn’t she an adult film star who appeared on an Eminem song? That must be where I recognise her from.’ Their search history and favourited videos begs to differ though.

Stormy Daniels

Possibly the most famous porn star on the planet due to her alleged affair with Donald Trump. This won’t stop men from pretending they don’t know what she does for a day job, even though her name alone screams the obvious. After Googling her, men will act surprised that smut exists online because they thought it was confined to top shelf magazines they also don’t know about.

Jenna Jameson

Another high-profile name in the world of adult films men will struggle to place. They might try to deflect attention from their wanking habits by mentioning her other ventures as a club owner, author and actor in Howard Stern’s 1997 film Private Parts. The small detail of her epic career as a porn star? Well, what a totally unexpected surprise!

Mia Khalifa

If a man doesn’t recognise Mia Khalifa then odds are he’s lying to your face. Despite having left the industry, her videos are still racking up hundreds of thousands of views every day so somebody’s watching them. Don’t be angry at men for telling a white lie though. The actual truth of their perverted viewing habits is not something you want to know about.