BEING a dog is f**king brilliant, except on bonfire night. Here’s how to make it through the shivering, whimpering, crapping nightmare.
Talk to someone who gets it
It’s tough this time of year when most of the mates whose bums you sniff in the park are shut up in their own houses by the time the thunderous sky explosions begin. If you can, have a good bark through the wall with another canine who knows what you’re going through, and perhaps a frantic, noisy scratch at the sofa. It’ll help you feel less alone.
Try to relax
Being still is a great way to lower your heart rate, so have a lie down, preferably somewhere comfy like on your owner’s bed. And if you need to release your bladder or bowels, don’t hold back. This is the one time of year that you won’t be shouted at and sent out to the garden.
Be in the moment
Many dogs are intimidated by the idea of mindful meditation, which makes sense as we have an attention span of approximately seven seconds. Try panting deeply and keeping your eyes trained on a single object, such as that packet of ham on the kitchen worktop. Or just jump up and eat the ham, it will keep your mind off the noise for a few blissful seconds.
There’s no need for a strenuous workout to relieve stress, a quick bout of panicked pelting round and round the kitchen, sending wine glasses and pans flying, will release a load of anxiety-busting endorphins. And don’t forget to vocalise: the louder you bark/howl/whine, the more you will calm your nerves.
Ask your owners what the f**k they think they’re doing
Why do humans profess to adore their pets and then scare the shit out of them, literally, by setting off explosives? It’s not just bonfire night either, there’s also New Year, Diwali and, for the Americans next door, the Fourth of July. Unfortunately you can’t talk, because you’re a dog, so show your displeasure instead by chewing up their shoes and vomiting them back up on the expensive rug.