How to get through bonfire night if you're a dog, by a dog

BEING a dog is f**king brilliant, except on bonfire night. Here’s how to make it through the shivering, whimpering, crapping nightmare.

Talk to someone who gets it

It’s tough this time of year when most of the mates whose bums you sniff in the park are shut up in their own houses by the time the thunderous sky explosions begin. If you can, have a good bark through the wall with another canine who knows what you’re going through, and perhaps a frantic, noisy scratch at the sofa. It’ll help you feel less alone.

Try to relax

Being still is a great way to lower your heart rate, so have a lie down, preferably somewhere comfy like on your owner’s bed. And if you need to release your bladder or bowels, don’t hold back. This is the one time of year that you won’t be shouted at and sent out to the garden.

Be in the moment

Many dogs are intimidated by the idea of mindful meditation, which makes sense as we have an attention span of approximately seven seconds. Try panting deeply and keeping your eyes trained on a single object, such as that packet of ham on the kitchen worktop. Or  just jump up and eat the ham, it will keep your mind off the noise for a few blissful seconds.


There’s no need for a strenuous workout to relieve stress, a quick bout of panicked pelting round and round the kitchen, sending wine glasses and pans flying, will release a load of anxiety-busting endorphins. And don’t forget to vocalise: the louder you bark/howl/whine, the more you will calm your nerves.

Ask your owners what the f**k they think they’re doing

Why do humans profess to adore their pets and then scare the shit out of them, literally, by setting off explosives? It’s not just bonfire night either, there’s also New Year, Diwali and, for the Americans next door, the Fourth of July. Unfortunately you can’t talk, because you’re a dog, so show your displeasure instead by chewing up their shoes and vomiting them back up on the expensive rug.

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The memory of your first shag vs the reality

IN your mind, the experience of losing your virginity was a tender, romantic revelation. In reality, it was awful. Here’s how you’ve misremembered it.

He made it special

You remember a big bed, clean sheets and romantic music playing, but that’s because your mind has blocked out the reality of the situation, which was a single bed, a smelly Arsenal duvet and The Vengaboys’ ‘Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom!!’ on repeat. Which is pretty special, but not in a good way.

She was hot

Even at the time you knew your teenage sweetheart was not hot, but you were able to look beyond the greasy hair and whiteheads. And, to be honest, you’d have shagged anyone. However, now that you’ve been in a mildly unhappy relationship for over a decade, she has become a wholesome, beautiful cross between Delia Smith and Claudia Schiffer, and you wish you’d never let her go.

He adored you

The fact he was constantly badgering you to touch his penis didn’t mean he was into you, it meant he was a teenage boy, thrilled that for the first time in his life he didn’t have to use his own hands. And making you a mixtape that included the song ‘Always’ by Bon Jovi is not proof of everlasting commitment, it’s just proof that you’re old now.

The sex was amazing

The truth is, you barely had actual sex. It was just the first time he’d managed to hold off blowing his load long enough to jam on a condom and wedge it in. The main emotions you felt were disappointment that it wasn’t as magical as you’d hoped and relief that you could tell your mates you were no longer a virgin.

She held you gently afterwards

When you think back, you remember her holding you tenderly to her breasts, like Kate Winslet does to Leonardo DiCaprio after they’ve had incredible sex in Titanic. The truth is she freaked out about the wet patch, then thought she heard her parents coming home and forced you to leave via her bedroom window where you twisted your ankle leaping from the top of the kitchen extension.