The celebs guaranteed to be flogging some kind of Christmas shite right about now

IT’S the start of November, which is practically Christmas Day, so famous faces are lining up to flog their festive tat. Here are some you can guarantee will have ‘Christmas product’ out.  

Heston Blumenthal

After being locked in Waitrose’s experimental kitchen all year, Heston will suddenly be let loose. He’ll emerge with a totally bonkers bunch of Christmas-themed grub, such as pigs’ trotters stuffed with marzipan, deconstructed mince pie soup and a physics-defying goose-inside-a-turkey-inside-a-robin. Or somesuch bollocks. No f**ker will buy it.

David Walliams

There’s only one weird bloke slithering down your chimney and that’s David Walliams. He’ll definitely have another book or three out, and one will be getting the full-scale Christmas Day adaptation on BBC1. Probably with Olivia Colman. It’ll be twee sub-Roald Dahl nonsense called The Nun with the Nunchucks, The Magic Jelly Well or Janine’s Big Burp. Raise your kids illiterate so you don’t have to read them this crap.

Mary Berry

Mary’s thawing process from the deep freeze begins in around September, meaning she’s up to room temperature by early December. Then it’s time for a new book and TV special with a wildly imaginative title like My Perfect Christmas or My Festive Favourites. It will contain recipes for every single Christmas item you can think of, all of which you can buy from Sainsbury’s for a fiver without spending your holiday doing hard labour. This will continue until Mary reaches 200 years old. Then returns as a hologram alongside Paul Hollywood on Bake Off.

Michael Buble

The most notorious repeat offender on this list. Buble disappears off the face of the earth, then emerges for around eight weeks a year with his own brand of festive swing. Like a mayfly with only a day or so to live, Buble will pack a year’s work into this period. Press junkets, chat show appearances, miming on The One Show. It’s a low-effort, high-yield career path pioneered by Slade’s Noddy Holder. Who’ll also pop up.

Sir Cliff Richard

Sir Cliff will be back, to celebrate the birth of Jesus and flog a new Christmas album and 2023 calendar. It’s what the Messiah would want. He’s got his own BBC special, so let’s hope it’s better than the last one, which was just BBC News helicopters hovering above his house after unfounded paedo allegations. He looks incredible for 82 and he’s never had any work done, honest!

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Gordon, and other baby names that are about to come back into fashion

ONCE you couldn’t throw a brick in a playground without hitting a Jane, Gary or Dave. Later it was Kyle, Connor or Lianne. But how will the fickle wheel of nomenclature turn next? Probably with these names…


Once it was just your great, great Aunt who was called Maude, all whalebone corsets and horror at new-fangled skirts four inches above the ankle. All it takes is a moment of whimsy on the part of an influencer and we’ll once again be knee-deep in Maudes.


The last recorded Obidiah was one Obidiah Clutterbuck, a drayman from Blackburn who died in 1910. But time has cleansed the name of its dour, Lancastrian connotations and soon it will sound as futuristic as Obi-Wan Kenobi.


Just a few years ago, you’d no sooner name your daughter ‘Gertrude’ than you’d call her ‘Gherkin’ or ‘Germany’. But once again, do not underestimate the middle class desire to recycle the 19th century in the search for attention-seeking Christian names.


Has a slight image problem due to Kevin the Teenager, Kevin Keegan perms and We Need to Talk About Kevin. But Kevin will be back. Okay, not until about the year 2300. But that’ll roll round soon enough.


Like Cinzano Bianco, Angel Delight and orange juice as a starter on a restaurant menu, ‘Shirley’ has fallen, but only temporarily, out of fashion. Within months, you’ll be able to baptise your little girl Shirley without the vicar rolling around the font screaming, ‘Shirley? F**king hell!’


Today’s parents desperate for a ‘different’ name won’t realise that Vera is so indelibly Northern and working class they may as well have added ‘Duckworth’ too, eg. Vera-Duckworth Smith.


Yes, the last Gordon of note plunged Britain into a perma-misery of Tory rule owing to his utter lack of personal charm. His Gordon-ness, if you will. But young parents, plagued by a succession of Daves, Theresas, Borises, Lizzes and Rishis will come to look on the name ‘Gordon’ with a wistful fondness.