IT’S the start of November, which is practically Christmas Day, so famous faces are lining up to flog their festive tat. Here are some you can guarantee will have ‘Christmas product’ out.
Heston Blumenthal
After being locked in Waitrose’s experimental kitchen all year, Heston will suddenly be let loose. He’ll emerge with a totally bonkers bunch of Christmas-themed grub, such as pigs’ trotters stuffed with marzipan, deconstructed mince pie soup and a physics-defying goose-inside-a-turkey-inside-a-robin. Or somesuch bollocks. No f**ker will buy it.
David Walliams
There’s only one weird bloke slithering down your chimney and that’s David Walliams. He’ll definitely have another book or three out, and one will be getting the full-scale Christmas Day adaptation on BBC1. Probably with Olivia Colman. It’ll be twee sub-Roald Dahl nonsense called The Nun with the Nunchucks, The Magic Jelly Well or Janine’s Big Burp. Raise your kids illiterate so you don’t have to read them this crap.
Mary Berry
Mary’s thawing process from the deep freeze begins in around September, meaning she’s up to room temperature by early December. Then it’s time for a new book and TV special with a wildly imaginative title like My Perfect Christmas or My Festive Favourites. It will contain recipes for every single Christmas item you can think of, all of which you can buy from Sainsbury’s for a fiver without spending your holiday doing hard labour. This will continue until Mary reaches 200 years old. Then returns as a hologram alongside Paul Hollywood on Bake Off.
Michael Buble
The most notorious repeat offender on this list. Buble disappears off the face of the earth, then emerges for around eight weeks a year with his own brand of festive swing. Like a mayfly with only a day or so to live, Buble will pack a year’s work into this period. Press junkets, chat show appearances, miming on The One Show. It’s a low-effort, high-yield career path pioneered by Slade’s Noddy Holder. Who’ll also pop up.
Sir Cliff Richard
Sir Cliff will be back, to celebrate the birth of Jesus and flog a new Christmas album and 2023 calendar. It’s what the Messiah would want. He’s got his own BBC special, so let’s hope it’s better than the last one, which was just BBC News helicopters hovering above his house after unfounded paedo allegations. He looks incredible for 82 and he’s never had any work done, honest!
