When will you cave in and put the heating on? Take our quiz

THIS winter is a battle between the cold and the cost of living crisis. But how long will you last before putting the heating on? Find out.

How are you preparing for the cold?

A) I’m making little changes. Wearing jumpers in the evenings, sleeping under an extra blanket, drinking hot chocolate. Pretty reasonable measures, really.

B) I’m trying to recalibrate my body by wild swimming in a nearby river every morning. Compared to those frosty waters, the chilly embrace of winter feels like a holiday in the tropics.

How tight are you with money?

A) I’m sensible but not miserly. If I have to spend a few quid to stop the pipes from freezing up then I will. I’d rather that than them flooding everywhere.

B) I unwind in the evenings by sitting in the dark and staying glued to the smart meter. If anyone so much as flicks on a light for two seconds, I’ll know.

When do you usually put the heating on?

A) Late October/early November. Maybe that’s a bit too soon but it wasn’t always prohibitively expensive. I miss those days.

B) If I can see my breath indoors and there are icicles growing on the ceiling then I might consider filling a hot water bottle. Even then it’s only a 50-50 chance.

Are you prepared to lose fingers to frostbite?

A) God no. Energy bills are one thing, but it’s important to look after my health too. Only an insane person would be ready to do that.

B) Bring it on. Missing digits would be a badge of honour.

Are you a dad who exerts tyrannical control over the heating?

A) No.

B) Get the f**k away from the thermostat.


Mostly As: You could crumble any day now, if you haven’t already. You might be able to buy some time by investing in an electric blanket, but there’s no way you’ll hold out until December.

Mostly Bs: Temperatures would have to drop to Antarctic lows for you to even consider putting the heating on, and even then you would see how long you could last wearing a fifth jumper.

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What kind of wanker talking loudly about your mortgage in a public place are you?

INTEREST rate rises mean boring homeowning bastards are talking about little else. Which sort of git banging on about their mortgage are you?

‘We got a ten-year deal in 2020’

This f**king prick had the luck or foresight to switch deal when interest rates were bumping along the ground like a crawling commando’s cock, and doesn’t he want you to know about it? The veneer of sympathy for others keeps cracking to show the exultant wanker beneath.

‘We just switched last month’

These crestfallen arseholes will be paying more for their house for years because of Truss and Kwarteng, and will never forgive them. Now they’re conversationally casting around to find someone less fortunate than them to make themselves feel better.

‘It’ll be back down by 2025 surely’

Guess when this twat’s fixed-rate deal runs out? A homeowner-turned-soothsayer pores over the financial pages to convince herself interest will soon be back to half-a-per-cent and she won’t lose everything. Ready to embrace any sunny forecast, no matter how mad.

‘My deal runs out next summer’

Like vultures everyone wheels around this human car-crash. Getting a two-year deal on a half-million house! Where was his forward planning, the f**king idiot? People like him relying on cheap money are ruining it for everyone! I hope he’s on the streets! Nobody says those things. Everyone says, ‘Oh dear, that’s bad luck, Andy.’

‘We’re going on the variable rate’

These wild, life-on-the-edge, risk-taking maniacs fascinate and horrify everyone. They could be crippled! Or they might save money! How can they live like this? But imagine the heart-pounding thrills of watching the governor of the Bank of England speak live, knowing his words decide your future.

‘I’m mortgage-free’

Go f**k yourself.