Completely unrealistic old crushes your partner is pining over

IS your partner glum and distant? They might be pondering how their life would have turned out if they’d married someone else. Here are some of their alternate universe spouses.

Girlfriend/boyfriend from uni

This person benefits from being their first serious relationship and sexual awakening-type stuff. Chances are they also led a charmed student life of smoking dope, dossing around and having sex. You can’t really compete with that when you’re nagging your partner to use the f**king air freshener in the bathroom occasionally.

Breathtakingly beautiful man or woman

Possibly from a previous job, your partner thinks their infrequent and unremarkable chats with this latter-day Lynda Carter or Sean Connery were a ‘rapport’. It’s just being smitten by good looks, but they may well have concocted a complex fantasy about them. They’re probably a writer living in a picturesque cottage with this beautiful spouse and a labrador. What a twat.

First boyfriend/girlfriend

Your partner undoubtedly has fond memories of their first dip in the magical swimming pool of love. If only due to losing their virginity, or at least getting a few hand shandies/inept rubs. A tad unfair on you, because it’s unlikely they could sustain an adult relationship by ‘hanging round the chippy’.

Mostly okay ex

This bland f**ker haunts your partner’s imagination because they’ve created an edited version focusing on their rare interesting moments and odd thoughtful gift. Gone are events like being too bored with them to bother having sex. Or that bitter two-day row over what pedal bin to get. 

Cool girl/boy from school 

Every 80s secondary school had a handful of less-immature attractive kids. In reality, they probably looked like something out of Grange Hill or an Adidas catalogue, but all the other kids fancied them. If you dislike this imaginary competition, stalk them on Facebook and gleefully reveal they’re a haggard supermarket worker or fat, Brexity builder. Of course, they might be a successful, trim DILF or MILF, but you’ll have learned an important lesson about jealousy.

Indie band cutie

More the realm of pure fantasy, but indie bands had a big impact on your partner in their late teens. Typical fantasy shags included: Mark Gardener from Ride, Rachel from Slowdive, Jason from Spiritualised, Miki from Lush. Having said that, most of these bands aren’t doing much these days, so maybe your partner would actually be in with a chance with Toni Halliday from Curve?

Attractive teacher

The bar was set pretty low for your adolescent partner’s massive, enduring teacher crush. Female: pretty with tits. Male: passably good-looking and impossibly cool (he went to see Genesis live). They may have been hot then, but they must be really old by now. Unless your partner’s into gerontophilia, you don’t have much to feel jealous about with Miss Phipps or Mr Dinsdale.

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Five ways to be a twat at a petrol station

DO you see filling up with petrol as a challenge to piss off other customers? Here are some practical ways to be a forecourt f**kwit.

Announce your arrival

Announce your presence by playing deafening music – the shitter the better, dubstep, Aqua and Bryan Adams are all good – while beeping your horn for cars ahead of you to get the f**k out of your way. Also idle in a position which gives you the best opportunity to pick any pump at your leisure, yet blocks people who just want to buy some sodding petrol and go.

Park without consideration

When you feel the time is right for all activity except yours to grind to a halt, park by a pump in a position to obstruct the one behind, and far enough away to stop anyone driving around you. Only leave your vehicle when engaged in a nauseating conversation with a fellow twat on speakerphone. The attendant will remind you via the PA system not to use your phone. Keep hollering ‘Wot, me?’ until they’re on the brink of an aneurysm.

Use all the facilities

Use everything at your disposal before filling up. Take your time putting on a pair of disposable gloves to ram three weeks’ worth of drive-thru trash into the bin provided, then because you’ve spilt curdled milkshake on your gloves, get new ones. Thoroughly read the card on the pump promoting shit gadgets. Take your time. Chillax.

Cause havoc paying

When queueing to pay, moan loudly about how long it’s taking. When it’s your turn, leave the counter to look which pump number was yours and get a drink from the coffee machine. If hot chocolate is unavailable, select it, forcing the attendant to leave the till and replenish the the beverage you don’t really want. Ask if you can pay half the bill in cash and half on your card, then remember you left your card in the car. Go back, stopping off to get cash from the station’s ATM. By now it will be less of a ‘queue’ and more of a ‘lynch mob’.

Take an eternity leaving

The best attention-seekers make a song and dance of leaving. Meticulously remove any tiny specks of dirt on your car’s bodywork before starting the engine and revving loud enough to almost drown out your own vile music. Adjust the mirrors, indulging your own narcissism, then celebrate with a can of energy drink before throwing away the hot chocolate you never wanted. Don’t forget to check your tyre pressure – anything that prolongs the suffering of others is good.