How to injure yourself when drunk

AVOIDING harm is part of everyday life. Here’s how to ignore your innate caution and get horrible injuries because you’re pissed.

Falling over

Humans react to falling over by throwing their arms out to cushion the impact, thereby reducing the potential for injury. While drunk you’ll hit the floor like a pilot who’s baled out without a parachute. Who needs front teeth anyway?

Kitchen accidents

Cooking whilst hammered is the perfect recipe for pain. You can even injure yourself cooking very hot fish fingers. Volcanic pizza cheese is good for mouth burns, and definitely cook some tinned stuff that will explode in the microwave.

Getting into a car

You climb in and out of cars without incident when sober, but when smashed it’s a golden opportunity to do some serious self-damage. Hit your head on the doorframe or try entering feet-first through an open window, like a Duke of Hazzard. In real life, that will hurt.

Climbing a lamp post

A lamp post presents a drunken man with the opportunity to showboat his climbing strength and agility, or an intoxicated woman with the means to perform her repertoire of pole-dancing tricks. Both are going to result in some form of harm, whether it’s falling on your head or just gyration sickness.


That twat at the bar has disparaged you, your girlfriend or possibly your pint. A great way to get injured is to gallantly defend your honour. A violent confrontation with some big bloke or a former Para is inadvisable but the alcohol will take the edge off being thumped.

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Six videogames you loved that would be shit if you actually replayed them

FONDLY remembering a videogame you were obsessed with years ago? Here are some you should leave in the past instead of replaying and realising they were actually a bit shit.

GoldenEye 007

Despite still making games journalists go off in their pants at its mere mention, GoldenEye 007’s blocky N64 graphics would be a profound disappointment by today’s standards. Plus it would bring back traumatic memories of how your older brother and his mates would gang up on you in the Frigate arena with carefully placed proximity mines.

Tomb Raider

There’s only one reason you played this 1996 action-adventure game back in the day and it wasn’t an interest in archaeology. Your failed attempts to whip off Lara Croft’s clothes with a cheat code were pathetic back then and they’d be considered sexual harassment now.


You sunk hours into this puzzle game back in the early 90s, so it must still hold up, right? Unfortunately it does, which means you’ll become so hopelessly addicted to it that you’ll fail to maintain even a basic level of personal hygiene and develop severe neck cramp as you spend hours hunched over your poorly-lit Game Boy screen.

Wolfenstein 3D

Revolutionary at the time, but years of more sophisticated Playstation and Xbox games have made it age badly. And why did all the Nazis look slightly squashed?


The basic tennis-themed game has rightfully earned its place in video game history, but the famous Atari title isn’t getting an upgraded re-release on Xbox anytime soon because it’s grindingly dull. Players in the 70s rightfully ditched it the second Space Invaders came along, so you’ve got no excuse to be intrigued by it.

The Secret of Monkey Island

The witty point-and-click pirate game had you bent double with laughter when you played it as a kid. However it also paved the way for those increasingly shit Pirates of the Caribbean films. Now whenever you look at Guybrush Threepwood all you see is Johnny Depp, which is a real nostalgia buzzkill.