Man hoovers entire room without disturbing a single object

A MAN has successfully run the vacuum cleaner around his entire bedroom without moving a single item on the floor.

Stephen Malley spent just under two minutes completing the one household chore his partner finally nagged him into attempting, skillfully negotiating his way around furniture, clothes and other assorted clutter.

Malley said: “I’ve no idea how Emma spends anything up to 15 minutes hoovering the bedroom. I think she’s just slow, and a bit lazy.

“There was no point moving the pile of washing waiting to be done – there’s no way dirt or fluff could manage to get underneath it. The same goes for our slippers, bedside tables and bookcases.

“As for vacuuming underneath the bed, well that’s just utter madness. Who ever goes under the bed?”

Partner Emma Bradford said: “I know Stephen is shit at housework. He’s absolutely powerless when it comes to working the washing machine too.

“I still haven’t had the heart to tell him he hadn’t even plugged the hoover in.”

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What is Great British Railways and why does it mean fares will go up?

A NEW public body called Great British Railways is to be in charge of doubling fares semi-annually. But how will it work? 

What’s happening? 

The biggest shake-up in rail travel since it all went to shit in the mid-1990s. Previous to that, British Rail sandwiches were a national joke. After that it was the trains themselves. 

What is Great British Railways? 

A state-owned body which will set timetables, manage rail infrastructure, sell tickets and most importantly shaft commuters with massively increased fares, year on year. Its name will completely halt the Scottish independence movement, Tories think. 

Will it run the trains? 

Of course not. That would be Stalinist. Instead it will work with private rail operators, notably the French and Dutch governments, to extract eye-watering profits from the British public so other countries’ state-owned rail stay nice and cheap. 

What is it modelled on? 

Transport for London. You know, the one that’s constantly raising fares well above the rate of inflation to the point that barristers earning £75k a year live in shared houses with weed dealers. 

Who will run it? 

No announcement yet, but it’ll be a Tory donor with no experience whatsoever of the rail industry but transferable skills from another monopoly where he made huge profits by vastly overcharging consumers while running it into the ground. They will announce their arrival with a 15 per cent fare rise. 

Are there any positives? 

New flexible monthly season tickets will save anyone who’s in the office twice a week money by allowing them to travel eight times a month. 

That doesn’t sound like much of a positive for the biggest shake-up in rail travel in 30 years. 

No, it f**king doesn’t.