FANCY the seaside but fear being surrounded by common plebs? Middle-class father Nathan Muir explains how to avoid them:
Do things ironically
It’s fine to sit on the beach or eat candyfloss as long as you smile ruefully about how predictable it is. Just don’t admit to yourself that you really enjoyed shooting a BB gun on the pier and feel incredibly proud and macho after winning a cheap, unlicensed Peppa Pig.
Make an artistic sand sculpture
The lower classes and their spawn will be making pathetic little sandcastles or just digging holes. However you should make an elaborate sand sculpture, even if your kids are bored shitless by it. The more pretentious the better, eg a scale model of the Vatican, or a disquieting rendering of novelist Zadie Smith.
Enjoy ball-achingly dull cultural activities
The seaside is fun because it’s a bit shit: you can play miniature golf, splash around near a sewage outlet pipe and eat greasy doughnuts. Eschew these pleasures and go to a resort with cultural stuff, eg Bournemouth’s Victorian art gallery or Tate St Ives. Less fun than getting pissed on lager in a plastic glass or looking at dead crabs, but you’ll feel superior.
Be a tiresome know-it-all
Did you know Clacton-on-Sea was regarded as a possible beachhead for French invaders during the Napoleonic Wars? Swotting up beforehand will enable you to share extremely dull ‘educational’ facts, eg Llandudno is one of the few places in the UK with ideal nesting conditions for puffins.
Don’t actually go to the seaside
Okay, maybe have a quick look at the sea and the vile, unwashed masses from the safety of your Volvo. Then spend the afternoon in a restaurant trying a Rick Stein tasting menu. That’s what a trip to the seaside is all about.