Cold showers are enjoyable, and other bullshit health obsessives believe

STAYING healthy is wise long-term, but wellness trends suck the enjoyment from life. Don’t get sucked in by the following bullshit:

Going sugar-free is good

Yes, we know sugar is bad for us, but we also know what consuming a Gü chocolate souffle whilst slumped on the sofa makes a bad day better. Smoking and drinking have already been taken from us, so if we aren’t allowed sugar we may as well just pack in human civilisation right now.

Superfoods are real

Every couple of years dozens of articles will claim some item – usually an obscure berry – has been deemed a ‘superfood’ by scientists. Suddenly, everybody will start clamouring to get them, as if a kumquat was the key to immortality and not just something that makes your porridge taste vile.

Fasting is fun

People who bang on about fasting claim it’s closer to the diets our hunter-gathering ancestors would’ve had, and thus more natural. However, hunter-gatherers wouldn’t have had 9-to-5 jobs in marketing, Brompton bikes, TED talks on hemp, or any of the other things these people are usually into, so they are ultimately talking shite.

Cold showers are enjoyable

Getting out of bed for work in the morning is a miserable enough experience without sending your body into cold water shock. While science has proved that regular immersion in chilly water has genuine health benefits, including the prevention of dementia, an old age full of clarity and memories isn’t worth freezing your bollocks off for every morning.

Vaginal steaming is a good idea

Future generations will look back and wonder how Gwyneth Paltrow, an already successful actor, evolved into fronting a company that traded exclusively in advising women to do medically unsound things to their genitals. A vagina is not some vegetables, or a cotton shirt, and steaming it will not get it clean or wrinkle-free.

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Parking outside your house, and other God-given rights people think they have

DO you think the bit of road outside your house is your private property rather than a public highway? You’re probably a twat about these other things too.

People can’t park outside your house

Getting frothingly irate because the nice old lady next door sometimes parks her car on the street outside your house is not one of your basic human rights. Although it’s probably fair enough if a local builder has decided ‘your’ bit of road is his personal car park.

Being an absolute bellend on social media

Fancy being horrible to a total stranger? Get on Twitter, where twats think psychopathic abuse is entirely normal and reasonable. Until they lose their jobs and are baffled as to why a few harmless death threats are wrong.

The middle lane of the motorway

The slow lane is full of lorries and the fast lane is scary, so get nice and comfortable in the middle lane. It will piss off fellow drivers on a 300-mile trip to Exeter, but if you think it’s your right to slowly hog the road, angrily give the finger to anyone who disagrees.

A foreign holiday

You’d think a global pandemic that has killed millions people worldwide would curb your belief that you have a fundamental right to spend two weeks getting shitfaced on a beach. Maybe you could survive going to St Ives one more year instead.

Taking children to pubs

It is down to the discretion of a pub manager whether kids can come in or not, but some parents believe that allowing whining, shrieking children to ruin the peaceful ambience of a pub on a Sunday afternoon is their right. It’s not. Take them to soft play with a few cans of Stella.