Grammatical rules only pedantic twats care about

PUTTING an apostrophe in the right place is important, but some grammatical rules are too obscure to care about. Here are five that only hair-splitting twats call you out on.

Split infinitives

According to language purists, putting an adverb between ‘to’ and a verb is a big no-no, even though everyone does it and it’s totally normal. If you’re a lawyer or writing a contract it might result in a costly ambiguity, but you’re not, so feel free to drop them into conversations and watch pedants squirm.

Who vs whom

‘Whom’ sounds so arse-achingly pretentious that it needs to be phased out of the English language as soon as possible. In fact the only time anyone ever says ‘whom’ is when finicky dickheads point out a mistake in your sentence construction. Let it go the way of the dinosaurs and we’ll all be much happier.

Oxford commas

Gravely important to some, pathetically dull to normal people. Just like split infinitives, the presence or absence of an Oxford comma can lead to a minor level of confusion, but only if you’re a bit thick and can’t piece together the general gist of a sentence. Plus it’s named after Oxford University Press, which gives it an added wanky air.

Ending sentences with prepositions

There’s debate as to whether ending a sentence with a preposition is an error or just bad form, which means it probably isn’t worth dwelling on. For example, the last sentence just ended with a preposition and you probably didn’t have a rage-induced heart attack. If you did, call an ambulance to get your head checked.

Fewer and less

Drop the wrong one into conversation and you won’t be able to finish your sentence without being corrected. Knowing that ‘fewer’ applies to countable objects and ‘less’ is used for things you can’t count is straightforward enough, but we’ve all got busy lives and this is a low priority. If you use the right one all the time you are not the superior person you think you are.

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Batley and Spen voters can blow me, says Johnson

THE prime minister has announced that the electorate of Batley and Spen can orally pleasure him after last night’s by-election result. 

Johnson had hoped to consolidate his Blue Wall in the constituency but instead Labour held the seat and he invited all of its voters to perform a sex act upon him. 

The prime minister said: “You bastards. You ungrateful Northern bastards. What did I ever do to you? 

“Do you know how much harm this does to my narrative? I’m Boris. I reach the voters other Tories can’t. I’ve given you Brexit. But instead you all vote Labour like a bunch of f**king commie lemmings. 

“Bad enough I lost Chesham to the Lib Dems, and now I can’t even charm a load of Northern monkeys. Hancock’s gone, what else do you want? Selfish pricks. 

“You can forget about levelling up now. Bollocks to that. I’m cutting your funding and rerouting HS2 so it goes through your back gardens. Batley and Spen is dead to me.” 

Independent candidate and noted arsehole George Galloway, who came third, said: “It’s not often I agree with Boris, but Batley and Spen can suck my balls.”