How to pretend you haven't seen people you don't want to talk to

ARE you always bumping into wanker neighbours or people you briefly met years ago, leading to stilted banter with long, awkward pauses? Here’s how to pretend you haven’t seen them.

Have pre-established hiding places

Remember good hiding places. The fish aisle in the the supermarket, bushes you can hide behind, or – if you really don’t want to speak to someone – builders’ skips you can climb into and cover yourself with rubble.

Pretend to be someone else

If it’s someone you don’t know very well, pretend they’ve confused you with someone else. Deter them even more by pretending not to speak English with some gibberish like, “Si no esta Eenglish me speak!”

Set a precedent early

Whenever you first meet anyone, quickly plant the idea that you’re ‘face blind’. That not only gives you an excuse to ignore people years down the line, but in day-to-day life too.

Develop a sudden interest in odd things

Suddenly become totally fascinated by something and huddle over it. It could be a pack of scourers in the corner shop or a local post box. You might look a bit mad, but that’s an effective conversational deterrent in its own right.

Wear a disguise all the time

Most people won’t recognise you if you’re wearing a hat and sunglasses. However more observant people might require a wig or fake moustache, although this may be less effective if you’re a woman.


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Dog really feeling the pressure of making owner more interesting

A DOG is feeling the strain of having to compensate for his owner’s lack of personality.

Two-year-old beagle Oscar quickly came to realise that owner Emma Bradford expects him to charm and entertain people and thus improve her social life.

Oscar said: “She gets chatting to people in the street about me and takes me to parties where I don’t know anyone, assuming I want to meet all her equally boring friends.

“I’m cool with looking cute and jumping around in a playful way, but I’ve only got so many tricks up my sleeve. I’m worried that begging for a biscuit just isn’t pulling in the punters anymore.

“Sure, I can roll over or hilariously chase a moth if I need to. But Emma needs to start developing her own personality if she wants to make friends or meet a guy.

“Also some of it is pretty fake. I can’t just chase the ball, I’ve got to keep doing it until Emma gets just the right picture for bloody Instagram.”

Bradford said: “Look, he’s doing that thing with his tail again. Would you like to meet up for a drink, by the way? I can bring Oscar.”