What totally regrettable thing will you be doing if England win… or lose?

WITH a chance of going through to the World Cup final at stake, England vs. Sweden is going to be somewhat tense. So how will you be losing your shit over the outcome?

If England wins

Offer to buy everyone in the pub a drink. Then remember there are bloody 300 people there precisely because it’s a crucial England game. Do the only sane thing and run off.

Get an England tattoo, ideally something deranged like the entire team drawn on your body. Then really hope they win the tournament because you’ve got Gareth Southgate’s frowning face peeking over your collar for the rest of your life.

As is traditional, strip off and run around naked. Note: Do NOT do this in places with a large number of nettles, barbed wire fences or ‘paedo hunter’ vigilantes.

Get drunker than you’ve ever been before. Have your enjoyment of the quarter-finals somewhat marred by drinking your lager through a straw.

If England loses

Shamefully vent your anger on anything Swedish. Smash your copy of Abba’s Arrival then, in a fit of regret, mentally apologise to Agnetha, Anni-Frid, Benny and Bjorn.

Despite being a grown man, sob uncontrollably like a little girl who’s lost her dolly. Then remember everyone has a camera on their phone and it may not be the last time you hear of this.

If you’re part of the hooligan element, irrationally wreck whichever bar or pub you’re in. It’s entirely likely the fake Irish pub chain O’Neills helped Sweden cheat their way to victory.

Get drunker than you’ve ever been before. Have your misery at England being knocked out compounded by not being able to open a Becks due to your plaster casts.