How to pretend you're not shitting yourself in the supermarket

DOES every trip to the supermarket to buy essentials fill you with terror? Here’s how to pretend you have nerves of steel.

Whistle a happy tune

Whistling cheerfully will give you an air of nonchalance as you secretly wonder if that pack of sausages has been handled by a coronavirus carrier and nervously approach it like an unexploded bomb.

Don’t dress like you’re prepared for a chemical attack

Keep your protective clothing to one mask. When you’re out of the store you can put on three more masks, surgical gloves and a face visor in a mad panic. Then breathe a sigh of relief as you do up your anorak hood tightly and spray yourself with Dettol.

Do a reasonably normal shop

Get a range of veg, meat, cereals, and so on. Don’t just grab whatever you can in 50 seconds and sprint the f**k out of there with 80 jars of mussels, all the toothpaste and an Elsa doll. 

Look casual as you’re clearly avoiding people

Try to have relaxed body language as you’re clearly standing as far away as possible from the cashier. Reinforce this with casual chit-chat, although it may come out all garbled and panicky, eg. “HA HA – I like a nice bit of bleach, do you? HA HA! Ooh, funny weather, isn’t it? OH FOR CHRIST’S SAKE HURRY UP, WOMAN!”

Get someone else to go

The only guarantee of not looking scared. There’s surely no harm in sending your six-year-old shopping with 150 quid in cash, or, depending on your level of cowardice, why not ask your 80-year-old gran?

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Man snaps up Morrisons delivery slot in December 2021

A MAN has booked a Morrisons home delivery which should arrive late next year.

Tom Logan could not believe his incredible good luck as he managed to claim the next available delivery slot after queuing on the Morrisons site for just three hours.

He said: “Some idiot must’ve cancelled by mistake. No way should I be getting a delivery this side of 2022.

“I’d heard that supermarkets were pulling out all the stops to meet the increased demand, but they’ve really outdone themselves this time. I’m not even a vulnerable person who needs to order online, I’m just very lazy.

“I’ve ordered basics like potatoes and baked beans, eight cans of lager and a big, juicy sirloin steak. Just thinking about tucking into it on 15 December 2021 is making me salivate.

“With a big online order on the way I’d better start eating all my other food to make room in the cupboards.”

Delivery driver Wayne Hayes said: “We’ve already had to make a few substitutions. Hope he doesn’t mind washing with vinegar instead of shower gel. Also there’s a jar of cheap hot dogs instead of steak.”