Your guide to paying all your bills on £94 a week, by Rishi Sunak

HI. I’m Rishi Sunak and I won’t leave you behind. If somehow you’re still struggling to get by on Britain’s prompt and generous Universal Credit system, here’s how to pay your way. 

Take out a loan

Short-term economic solutions are how the government has been staggering along for years. If loans are good enough for us they’re good enough for you. Don’t read the boring small print about interest rates, you can worry about that later. And if you die, you’ve made a profit.

Sell your assets

Desperate times call for desperate measures, so you might want to think about selling your massive second home or flogging a few of your valuable antiques. If you don’t have either of those, remember your organs are also an asset.

Defer your payments

The most effective way to minimise your outgoings is not paying for things. If you politely tell your landlord you won’t be able to stump up the rent for the next few months they’re bound to let it slide without threatening eviction. I’ve never done it myself because I don’t rent and I’m loaded, but I’m sure it will be fine.

Buy lottery tickets

A weekly allowance of £94 buys you lots of lottery tickets and scratchcards, and when you inevitably hit the jackpot you can put aside a bit of your winnings for bills. You’ve got to speculate to accumulate, after all.

Manufacture ventilators

Demand for these things is through the roof right now, so if you can start cranking them out in your shed or conservatory you can make a packet. Also, can we be your first customer, because we’ve really dropped the ball on sourcing these things?

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Wife in race against time to locate and destroy guitar

A WOMAN is desperately searching the house to find her husband’s acoustic guitar and destroy it before he remembers it exists. 

Clare Logan awoke in a cold sweat when it came to her in the night that the guitar was still in the house and in serious danger of being played within the next 48 hours.

She said: “The stakes could not be higher. This trip up the attic is basically an Indiana Jones film.

“I’ve already been through the garage and under the stairs, ransacking like a lunatic, knowing that if I don’t find it before Tom does we could be subjected to an inhuman ordeal lasting days.

“If I come down empty-handed there’s every chance the next time I enter the living room I’ll find Tom playing Wonderwall with a self-satisfied look. He only knows three chords, but that leaves us vulnerable to butchered versions of every pop song in history.

“The only choice is to find the guitar and obliterate it quickly and violently. Oh God, what if he livestreams?”

Tom Logan said: “You know what? Maybe I’ll dust off the old acoustic and entertain the old-fashioned way tonight. Once Clare’s stopped breaking whatever she’s breaking upstairs.”