Take the government's COVID-19 test

DO YOU have COVID-19? Take the official government multiple-choice test and find out: 

Do you have COVID-19? 

A) Yes
B) Don’t think so

Are you sure? 

A) Yes
B) No, not completely

Don’t waste time, there’s a pandemic on. You need to be completely confident in your answer. 

A) I have all the symptoms and I have COVID-19. Please help me
B) Is there some kind of medical test I could do? I am an NHS frontline worker. I could be transmitting this to patients

Are you a member of the cabinet? 

A) No. I’ve self-isolated as much as I can, but I have a family. Can they be tested?
B) No, and nor have I had any contact with Boris Johnson in the last 14 days. I’ve heard Germany has a test with swabs? Can I do that?

Are you a member of the Royal Family? 

A) No. Do you need a list of everywhere I’ve been in the last 14 days? That’s what they’re doing in South Korea, and it’s really flattened the curve
B) No I’m not. I don’t even like the Royal Family

Are you a Premier League footballer, Premier League football manager, or Idris Elba? 

A) No
B) If I said I was, would I be able have a proper test?


Mostly As: Congratulations! You might or might not have COVID-19. Please behave accordingly.

Mostly Bs: Congratulations! You probably don’t have COVID-19. If you start to feel symptoms, please take this test again.

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Everything on telly now making woman horny

A SINGLE woman in lockdown has admitted that she is now even getting sexually excited at This Morning. 

Emma Bradford, aged 29, believes there may be no limit to the TV shows she had previously considered not even slightly sexual which are now extremely erotically charged.

She said: “Yeah, this is getting to be a problem. I’m even getting turned on by The One Show. 

“It started when I was rewatching Killing Eve, which is quite a horny show so understandable, but when I caught myself fantasising about James Nesbitt in the new episodes of Cold Feet, I started to get concerned.

“I switched to regular TV to cool off, caught the last five minutes of Flog It!, and got hot watching the auctioneer bang his gavel. What’s going on there? Is it the illicit touching that’s doing it for me? Does my body want to be the gavel? Or do I have a thing for antiques?

“It’s a very confusing time for all of us, granted, but I shouldn’t be almost getting there just because a Countdown contestant gets an eight-letter word. But even now if I think ‘fungible’ I shudder.

“I need this quarantine over and fast. I’m terrified to watch Downing Street’s daily bulletin. Anything could happen.”