How to pandemic-proof your partner's career

WITH the pandemic destroying whole industries, getting your partner into a boring but steady job is the only way to keep you in bog roll and broadband. Follow these tips:

Be overly practical

What will human beings always need? Something to eat, somewhere to leave their rubbish, someone to remove the odd appendix or tonsil, and their arses wiping. Any career that doesn’t include at least one of these is a dead end.

Make them retrain

If your partner’s in a high-earning but ultimately doomed career in something useless like marketing, they can’t complain about being asked to train as a cobbler every evening and weekend. Whatever it takes to become indispensable for when society breaks down.

Be flexible

They may be a driving instructor now, but remind them that those same skills could come in handy in the event a tank was needed to block motorways during future pandemic-induced civil wars.

Think long-term

Whatever they end up doing your partner needs to be prepared to work well into their 80s, given what’s going to happen to pensions. Choose a career they can still pursue while you sit at home in your armchair surrounded by the grandkids. Unblocking toilets?

Stay well out of it

It’s crucial that you establish your own role as educator of children and guardian of the hearth early, so you don’t have to go out and get your hands dirty doing nasty shit. Remember the more secure your partner’s job, the more you can stay in.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Kids physically fit but talking in working-class accents

CHILDREN taking daily PE lessons with Joe Wicks are physically healthy but at least 30 per cent more common, parents have reported. 

Children from middle-class households are becoming expert at high-impact workouts but no longer able to enunciate correctly or properly pronounce ‘quinoa’.

Mother of two Carolyn Ryan said, “At first I was thrilled that Noah was doing PE online because it sounded spartan and educational. I didn’t notice he was dropping his Ts and saying ‘haitch’ instead of ‘aitch.’

“But then when he was showing me his charming lateral lunges, he shouted, ‘Ere we go! Fank you everybody!’ and the penny dropped when he held his finger to an imaginary earpiece then yelled, ‘Shaut aut to Gemma in Solly-ull! We love ya!’

“I can’t have my son talking like a Cockney wideboy forced to retire to Southend 20 years ago after upsetting a big cheese by turning Queen’s on an insurance blag. I thought this ‘Body Coach’ would have to go.

“But actually I found myself watching it a bit first. He’s got a remarkably nice, toned living room. And very firm, sculpted respect for the NHS.

“So now Noah and I watch it together, and his father wears headphones and repeats what Joe says in Benedict Cumberbatch’s voice. Best of both worlds.”