Hug and handshake ban 'no problem whatsoever,' say Sunderland men

THE men of Sunderland have assured the UK of their absolute compliance when it comes to social distancing.

In common with the masculine population of the north-east as a whole, Sunderland’s males stressed that they were more than prepared to make the sacrifice of making do with a distant, curt nod and ‘All right?’

Roy Hobbs, a Sunderland man born and bred for 59 years, said: “I think I speak for all my townsmen when I say that we’re well capable of keeping a couple of yards, or metres if you insist, apart.

“No hugging. No handshaking. We won’t even need air kisses. We’re that resilient.

“The only risk of physical contact with another man is if I catch him looking at me, my wife or my dog in a funny way, in which case I’d need to deck the bastard.

“But he’d be on the floor in five seconds flat and the actual contact of fist on jaw would be tiny. It’s unlikely the virus would be able to spread from twatter to twatted in that time.

“Fortunately, it’s April and we’re all shirtless because it’s summer, so even if I did get some on my knuckles it couldn’t survive in tropical temperatures of a balmy nine degrees.”

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Humans more excited for walkies than dogs

THE owners of dogs are now more excited than their pets about the prospect of walkies. 

Around the UK, owners are staring expectantly at their pets and interpreting any slight movement as a sign that they want to go for a lovely long walk outside.

Nikki Hollis, owner of a four-year-old Scottish terrier, said: “I used to sneer at Blossom for losing her shit about a quick walk around a crap local park. I totally get it now.

“Just the thought of grass and sky and not being stuck in this f**king house all day makes me wish I had a tail to wag.

“I’m scratching at the door and whining as Blossom looks at me indifferently. Sometimes I bring her the lead and she just walks away, keeping me prisoner. How far I am from howling I don’t know.

“I’m not dragging my bum on the carpet and shitting on the lawn yet, but it’s only a matter of time.”