Friday, 29th May 2020

Six people it's a blessing not to have heard from in the current crisis

AS CORONAVIRUS has shown, things can always get worse. For example, if any of these six spoke up: 

Kanye West

The time of cult leaders issuing messianic screeds from their secure bunkers is surely upon us, but weirdly Kanye has yet to release a new album telling us only he and his followers who’ve bought Yeezys are immune from COVID-19 and will inherit the earth. Is he okay?

Theresa May

Whatever your political persuasion, it’s been a joy to have Theresa May gone this last eight months. Imagine her at the podium daily, repeating the same phrases woodenly and glaring at us like it’s all our own fault for not being her.

Tommy Robinson

Is he in prison or not at the moment? Anyway, there’s no need to wonder to what Tommy’s up to. His life is a simple equation: ‘something wrong’ equals ‘it’s immigrants’ fault’. Presumably out right now blaming anyone browner than him for hoarding toilet roll.

All of Hollywood

Following Gal Gadot’s car-crash Imagine video, Hollywood appears to have realised that the last thing we need right now are multi-millionaires telling us we’re all in it together. The psychological fallout of being less popular than binmen will sustain LA’s therapists for decades.

José Mourinho

If the football season had continued behind closed doors, every game Spurs lost would be, according to their Eeyore manager, because of coronavirus. ‘No other team has suffered as much from coronavirus’. ‘Of course, this is coronavirus’. ‘How we can expect better when coronavirus?’ You know he’s regretting not being able to use those lines.

Jeremy Clarkson

Not now, Jeremy. We’re busy.