How to punish the parents attending your child's birthday party

WANT to make your child’s birthday party an enormous pain in the arse? Here’s how:

Hold it in a far-flung location

The Nando’s in town is far too easy. Instead, take them to a petting zoo on a busy A-road 27 miles away with no parking. It’s not really a petting zoo, it’s the garden of your friend who breeds puppies, and no, she won’t make you a coffee, but it’s what Maisie asked for so it’s what she’s getting, however inconvenient it is for everyone else.

Book the most painful time

9.15am on a Sunday morning is perfect for the bowling alley, as there’s a special deal on and it will be really quiet. Not so ideal for the 30 parents who have to get their kids there on time, along with a present for Maisie that was hopefully not too obviously chosen from a petrol station on the way.

Make the parents stay

No, it’s not a drop-off so you can’t dash into town to buy some bits and then go for a lovely relaxing pint. Parents can stay to watch the kiddies having fun. You like smelly soft play spaces where a lukewarm cup of tea costs £3.50, right? And this way you’ll be on hand to help when Lucas vomits in the ball pit.

Add unnerving paperwork

Trampolining is great fun, and very safe, but it’s still necessary for each parent to fill in a form beforehand declaring that if their child breaks their neck during your child’s party, they won’t sue. Convey this information in at least three panicky WhatsApp messages where you also ask everyone to confirm receipt, causing them all to be pissed off with you before the party has even started.

Make it fancy dress

The theme is purple underwater superheroes. No, your child can’t just wear their favourite outfit, without which they are likely to refuse to leave the house. They must cater 24/7 to Maisie’s irrational whims, just like you do.

Go big on the party bag

A single napkin-wrapped slice of cake will not cut the mustard. Inflate everyone else’s child’s expectations of party bags for evermore by providing an extravaganza of brightly-coloured sweets and plastic. Whether you let them eat the lot or take it from them for safekeeping, they will throw an epic tantrum on the way home which will ruin the rest of their harassed parent’s day.

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Man who studied at University of Life got a 2:2

A MAN who claims to have studied at the University of Life did not pay very much attention to his studies, his friends have concluded.

Judging by his shambolic lifestyle and myopic world view, 40-year-old James Bates must have been an absolutely piss-poor student who spent more time smoking weed than going to lectures.

Bates said: “I learned everything I need to know on the streets. I took classes in keeping it real, rolling with the punches, using my common sense, and basic IT literacy. Well, that was actually at the local community centre.

“Did I pay for my tuition? No. Do I have massive student loans? No. Do employers laugh at me when I write ‘School of Hard Knocks’ in the education section on job applications? Yeah, they do, actually. It’s a bit rude.”

Friend Lauren Hewitt said: “Despite claiming the University of Life is the only education he needs, James is a bona fide idiot. He once got on a Megabus to Rotterdam thinking it said Rotherham, and didn’t even grow suspicious when they were crossing the sea.

“Frankly, I’m amazed he managed to get a 2:2 and not just a big fat fail.”