UNDER the age of 18 and worried how you’ll ever see funbags again when porn sites ask for age verification? Follow these simple steps.
Watch Titanic
You’ll have to go to the trouble of streaming it and skipping to an hour in, but that’s nothing compared to the lengths people would go to to see a tit in the pre-internet age. The brief, classy shots of Kate Winslet’s chest may seem tame by today’s standards, but it would do today’s youth good to revisit the classics of softcore porn. They’ve been spoiled with their diet of Angela White, anal orgies and futanari videos.
Forage in bushes
It’s hard to believe, but as recently as 20 years ago foraging in bushes was one of the most popular ways to clap eyes on a pair of knockers. Thanks to thousands of good samaritans across Britain, scraps of pages from Mayfair and Razzle were free to be plucked from the nation’s shrubbery by horny teens who didn’t have the balls to purchase a top-shelf magazine from the newsagents. Perhaps age checks will lead to a smutty rewilding.
Visit an art gallery
Art galleries are simply rooms where posh people go to look at classy filth. They may pretend to be admiring the composition and brushwork of a painting, but in reality they’re mentally gawping at some huge naturals from yesteryear. There’ll probably be some distracting crap in the background like cherubs or the French Revolution, but in time you’ll tune this out like a pop-up ad for LiveJasmin.
Buy the Sunday Sport
The Sun used to be a reliable way for teenagers to get their first glimpse of bare jugs, but sadly today the curves of page three models are hidden away underneath skimpy bikinis and revealing lingerie. Mercifully, the Sunday Sport is carrying on the proud tradition of newspapers printing tits galore, and this fine publication has even been so kind as throw in some fannies for readers. Who needs Brazzers? Moving pictures are probably just a fad, like Skibidi Toilet.
Go on most of the internet
Melons are not the preserve of Pornhub or XVideos. You won’t need to forge a passport or steal your dad’s debit card if you’re desperate to still see chesticles online. With minimal effort you can train social media algorithms to bombard you with an endless torrent of babylons, and with a couple of clicks you can switch off safe search and Google more boobs than you could ogle in 20 lifetimes. Seeing a boob in real life, however, will remain impossible.
