How to wean yourself off your lockdown wanking schedule

CURRENTLY enjoying multiple acts of self-love a day? With lockdown easing soon, here’s how to cut back on your debilitating habit.

Set realistic targets

Going cold turkey with your furious wanking regime is never going to work. Instead, set achievable goals and stick to them. Try leaving a couple of hours between each session of self-abuse and work your way up from there. Before you know it your wrists will no longer sound like pepper grinders.

Become a Catholic

Being brainwashed into thinking that masturbation is a mortal sin seems like a heavy price to pay, but joining the Catholic Church isn’t all doom and gloom. If you crave attention what could be better than confession on a regular basis? Plus you’ll get a couple of Father Ted jokes that might have gone over your head.

Activate parental controls

Banning smut from your phone and laptop will nip your wanking marathons in the bud. After a year of gawping at online porn your erotic imagination will have dried up, leaving you with no way to arouse yourself. You could always buy a top-shelf magazine, but are you strong enough to endure the disapproval of the cashier? No.

Wear a chastity belt

Locking up your nether regions in medieval abstinence cages and throwing away the keys makes going to the toilet difficult, but it’s a sure-fire way to keep your hands off your junk. That’s unless you get turned on by bondage stuff, in which case you’re on your own.

Start a new hobby

Preferably the least arousing one possible. This rules out jigsaws of Renaissance paintings because they’ve got boobs in them. Stamp collecting is out because the Queen was a bit of a looker back in the day. And don’t even think about trainspotting either because they’re in and out of tunnels all the time. Stick with one of the weirder hobbies like brass rubbing, and pray to God you’re not turned on by that.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

'You still here?' EU asks Britain

THE EU has been puzzled to find the UK still yapping around its heels months after it had supposedly left for good.

The trading bloc was relieved when its most troublesome member left to take control of its own affairs, but has since found Britain wants to stick around to have arguments about vaccines and paperwork. 

EU politician Michel Barnier said: “We thought we were done with the UK. We thought, okay, strange decision, but it’s up to you. Good luck selling cheese to Singapore.

“But now Britain wants to hang around the EU endlessly, like those kids who leave school at 16 and then turn up outside the gates every afternoon on a shitty little scooter.

“You’ve left now. We explained this to your negotiators, very carefully and slowly in the only language you understand. We even used drawings and, during one session with David Davis, sock puppets.

“A common analogy is someone who’s cancelled their gym membership and still wants to use the facilities. But you’re like someone who wants to take a running machine home and shit in the jacuzzi.

“It’s all been a massive, pointless hassle. But no other countries are thinking of leaving now. And, most importantly, we don’t have to watch those prancing UKIP twats in the European Parliament. 

“So overall, thanks.”