Thursday, 15th April 2021

Your tour around the Festival of Brexit

ALRIGHT chief? Welcome to the Festival of Brexit. I’m Steve Malley, former UKIP candidate for Leatherhead, and if you’re a Remainer you can frankly f**k off now. 

All gone? Good. Why should they enjoy the fruits of our success? Right, over here coming in we’ve got a giant portrait of the Royal Family surrounded by 100 animatronic bulldogs. You can bow or salute, it’s up to you. 

Over there, that’s the longest queue in the whole of Europe. What do you mean what’s it for? It’s for queuing mate. Are you British or what? 

This here’s The Foaming Yeoman, our pub. Covers 25 acres and there’s a holographic Nigel Farage every 12ft of bar. Smoking inside’s compulsory. The banter in there, I promise you, is brutal. But fair. I probably wouldn’t go in if you’re a foreign tourist, though. 

The next area’s very popular with the kids, Battle Re-enactment. Different one every fortnight: Agincourt, the Somme, Waterloo, the Retaking of Port Stanley, and of course the Online Woke Wars of 2020-22. I’m a veteran. Still got the psychological scars. 

And last there’s the famous Brexitcoaster, which looks as if it’s plunging down endlessly into darkness but actually there’s a voiceover from Boris explaining it’s going up and up to the stars. It’s amazing. Don’t understand how it works, but it does. 

Exit is through the gift shop, purchase of at least one freestanding flagpole and Union Jack is compulsory, and don’t forget to tip your guide. Pre-decimal cash only, please.