COSY crime is booming, and real-life murderers are not immune to its charms with more and more unsolved killings marked by tweeness.
Serial killer Tom Logan, with six victims to his name, says that books like The Thursday Murder Club have spurred him to centre his crimes around church fetes and elderly choirmasters.
He said: “My first few murders were twisted, psychosexual affairs requiring clinical psychologists close to madness to put themselves in my depraved shoes. They were so 2008.
“I knew I had to move away from that derivative, outdated Wire-in-the-Blood nonsense and soon became absolutely captivated by the cuddlier side of crime. Offers such a contrast.
“My latest victim, for example, was a retired chess champion with a secret stash of Krugerrands underneath his mattress. Where did he get them? Why did I leave them? Only the local vicar-turned-sleuth can find out.”
Infamous strangler Bill McKay said: “Choking got old. Instead, I’m bludgeoning innocents to death with kitsch middle-class knick-knacks. I did the last one with a surprisingly sturdy polka-dot Emma Bridgewater teapot.”
“The contrast between the bloody crime scene and the kitschy tableware gave the police serious Midsomer Murders vibes. Though if I am caught, I hope it’s by a septuagenarian spinster who gets sensitive information by bribing officers with delicious baked goods.”
