Friday, 22nd January 2021

Identifying trees, and five other activities for your middle-class lockdown exercise

WANT strangers in the park to know you’re going home to a house with a chalkboard in the kitchen? Do these key activities during your mandated hour of exercise: 

Identifying trees

Only those with dangerously high levels of Boden in their bloodstreams would drag their children away from the PS5 to argue over the texture of f**king bark. Don’t forget your laminated print-out from the National Trust website and your patterned wellies.

Scavenger hunts

With the challenge of tracking down organic fusilli in Waitrose a thing of lockdowns past, you’ll have to invent new trials for your darling offspring. Ask them to find something twee like an acorn, or, if you’re urban, any graffiti that’s in a Street Art book.

Strolling around graveyards

Lockdown can be a time to reckon with big questions, and you can assume that your seven-year-old is already capable of solemn reflection because he’s so advanced. Blend exercise with learning by challenging them to work out how old the pauper they’re trampling over was when he kicked the bucket.

Fell running

Running on a flat surface is for trashy people who can’t afford Bupa. Think how envious your pompous friends will be when you break your ankle in a real rabbit hole. You’ll sound like you’ve just emerged from a Jane Austen book — and you’re currently rereading her, as luck would have it.

Wild swimming

No need to invest in a £250 wetsuit if you haven’t already got one, though you did take that naughty little trip to the Maldives before Christmas. Whatever the temperature, your smugness will keep you warm.

Family bike rides

Though the children struggle to keep up with your Lycra-assisted pace, you’ll slow down in case the Town & Country paparazzi are about. Parading your family down the road in matching North Face gilets will certainly give your neighbours something new to bitch about over their artisanal muesli.