Identifying trees, and five other activities for your middle-class lockdown exercise

WANT strangers in the park to know you’re going home to a house with a chalkboard in the kitchen? Do these key activities during your mandated hour of exercise: 

Identifying trees

Only those with dangerously high levels of Boden in their bloodstreams would drag their children away from the PS5 to argue over the texture of f**king bark. Don’t forget your laminated print-out from the National Trust website and your patterned wellies.

Scavenger hunts

With the challenge of tracking down organic fusilli in Waitrose a thing of lockdowns past, you’ll have to invent new trials for your darling offspring. Ask them to find something twee like an acorn, or, if you’re urban, any graffiti that’s in a Street Art book.

Strolling around graveyards

Lockdown can be a time to reckon with big questions, and you can assume that your seven-year-old is already capable of solemn reflection because he’s so advanced. Blend exercise with learning by challenging them to work out how old the pauper they’re trampling over was when he kicked the bucket.

Fell running

Running on a flat surface is for trashy people who can’t afford Bupa. Think how envious your pompous friends will be when you break your ankle in a real rabbit hole. You’ll sound like you’ve just emerged from a Jane Austen book — and you’re currently rereading her, as luck would have it.

Wild swimming

No need to invest in a £250 wetsuit if you haven’t already got one, though you did take that naughty little trip to the Maldives before Christmas. Whatever the temperature, your smugness will keep you warm.

Family bike rides

Though the children struggle to keep up with your Lycra-assisted pace, you’ll slow down in case the Town & Country paparazzi are about. Parading your family down the road in matching North Face gilets will certainly give your neighbours something new to bitch about over their artisanal muesli.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

New Resentful Compromise TV channel launched for couples

LONG-TERM couples are to get their own TV channel packed with content neither wants to watch but neither particularly objects to. 

Resentful Compromise is a channel dedicated to disguising the fact that just because two people share a sofa every night does not mean they enjoy the same things in life.

A spokesperson said: “She wants to watch First Dates. He wants to watch Fast & Furious 8. Why flip around bickering when our channel pleases nobody?

“All our content will be infinitesimally more acceptable than your partner scrolling endlessly through the channels while you grimly say ‘put whatever you want on, I’m not bothered.’

“Rather than confront the underlying differences that mean you should be leading entirely separate lives, with a TV each, switch on RCTV and glance up at it grudgingly while pointedly remaining on your phone.

“Packed with tepid dramas and lame sitcoms, nothing in our schedule will be too gritty or too romantic. You’ll make it through entire films neither of you wanted to watch then go unsatisfied to bed. It’s the only channel you need.”

Joanna Kramer, who has been with partner Steve Malley for 16 years, said: “We had it on last night. It was crap. I blame him.”