If it doesn’t make you piss in a wardrobe, is it really alcohol? asks Britain

BRITISH drinkers have confirmed that any alcoholic drink that does not make you vomit, start a fight or urinate in or on furniture is just fizzy pop.

Drinkers are insisting that any tipple that does not result in a three day hangover and crushing guilt is a criminal waste of time.

Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, said: “I drank five pints of this three and a half per cent ‘beer’ last night and I ended up having a nice chat with my mates about Star Wars and the environment and stuff.

“I didn’t  call anyone a shit or send any inappropriate texts. I even made plans to meet people for brunch!

“Then I just went home, made some cheese on toast, put my PJs on and watched Graham Norton. It was the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me.

“Anyway, never again.  I have promised myself that next weekend I will drink proper British alcohol and wake up with half a cheeseburger rammed into my underpants before taking my wardrobe to the tip.”

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'Dislike' button not mental enough, say Facebook users

FACEBOOK should introduce a button allowing you to send vile abuse and bloodcurdling threats to people automatically, internet users believe.

After the site trialled a ‘downvote’ feature, users said they would prefer a way of expressing deranged, completely out-of-proportion hatred for anyone they have a slight issue with.

Office worker Martin Bishop said: “If a friend posts something mildly feminist I want to be able to reply ‘JUST FUCKING DIE FEMINAZI BITCH!!!’, ideally with a smiley brandishing a knife.

“Facebook needs to get its act together because it’s falling behind social media like Twitter where users can gang up and ruin someone’s life for not liking the new Deadpool trailer.

“All I’m asking for is a button with a few options like ‘Fucking libtard!’ or putting their address and phone number online for anyone to see. It’s incredibly sraightforward.”

Hairdresser Nikki Hollis said: “Facebook needs to give us the online tools of hate and fear we’ve been asking for, not just let us downvote someone’s selfie and make them feel insecure.

“I’d like to anonymously tell minor celebrities there’s a bomb under their car. You won’t be so full of yourselves then, will you Jack Monroe and Gemma from TOWIE?”

Facebook is now trialling a drone that can fire a  brick through someone’s window if enough people dislike their holiday snaps.