If it doesn’t make you piss in a wardrobe, is it really alcohol? asks Britain

BRITISH drinkers have confirmed that any alcoholic drink that does not make you vomit, start a fight or urinate in or on furniture is just fizzy pop.

Drinkers are insisting that any tipple that does not result in a three day hangover and crushing guilt is a criminal waste of time.

Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, said: “I drank five pints of this three and a half per cent ‘beer’ last night and I ended up having a nice chat with my mates about Star Wars and the environment and stuff.

“I didn’t  call anyone a shit or send any inappropriate texts. I even made plans to meet people for brunch!

“Then I just went home, made some cheese on toast, put my PJs on and watched Graham Norton. It was the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me.

“Anyway, never again.  I have promised myself that next weekend I will drink proper British alcohol and wake up with half a cheeseburger rammed into my underpants before taking my wardrobe to the tip.”