'I'm still getting dressed every day' says absolute psychopath

A DERANGED psychopath is still wearing a different outfit every day for the benefit of literally nobody. 

Emma Bradford of Worthing lives alone and has no videoconferencing scheduled all week but is still putting on full outdoor clothes each morning to ‘feel normal’.

Friend Carolyn Ryan said: “I spontaneously FaceTimed her, expecting a soup-stained bed T-shirt, hair halfway to dreadlocks and bloodshot, haunted eyes.

“Instead she had a nice chiffon blouse, a full face of makeup and I swear a blow dry. Even on her bottom half she had culottes. She showed me.

“When I asked why, she said ‘I like to look nice for myself.’ I thought we’d all agreed that was a lie, now? Then she asked when I last showered, with an insultingly quizzical tilt of the head.

“There’s nothing explicitly on the Hare psychopathy checklist about getting dressed every day. But she’s clearly a danger to our new mole-people society.”

Bradford said: “And I’m still ironing. And I’m keeping an Amazon man prisoner in my box bedroom.”

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Britain poised and ready for daytime drinking

THE UK has confirmed that if events cause it to need to drink before noon, it is ready to shoulder that burden. 

Britons have stressed that they very much hope there is no reason to do so, but if the worst should happen then swigging whisky from the bottle during This Morning can swing into place almost immediately.

Julian Cook of Ludlow said: “I’ve got a hip flask I keep topped up. I’ve loosened the top. I can get three to five units in my system within less than 15 seconds if necessary.

“My son’s relying on lager, which might seem a stretch but he’s 19 and can down a can in moments. If we’re called upon I’m confident he could be shouting pissed within 20 minutes.

“It does feel a bit weird, going about your day as normal while knowing that any moment you could be under pressure to be hammered watching Homes Under The Hammer. But we’re ready. We’ve always been ready.”

Sophie Raworth of the BBC’s News At One team said: “Obviously we’re all hoping that we don’t have to deliver the news Britain fears.

“But if we do, I’ve got a tray of vodka shots on standby. Just try to keep up with me.”