Five things that obviously aren't spreading coronavirus

COUGHS, unwashed hands, and sharing enclosed spaces with other people all spread the coronavirus. These things obviously don’t: 

5G phone masts

There is no scientific overlap between towers providing faster internet connections and an infectious disease from bats. Put down your flaming torch, go home, and leave the Facebook group that is lying to you.

The prime minister’s letter to the nation

The letters haven’t been signed and sealed personally. They probably never went with 50 miles of Downing Street. You’re safe to skim it, and confirm you’re already doing what it says, and move on.

Watching Question Time

The topical debate show makes you despise your fellow man and demolishes your will to live, but hasn’t been proven to spread COVID-19. Which doesn’t mean it’s safe to watch. Even with its audience of opinionated halfwits confined to social media, it is never safe to watch Question Time.

Relentless masturbation

Mercifully, because it’s all anyone’s been doing since the lock down began. If there were a correlation between cranking one out and coronavirus the NHS would have been overwhelmed a long time ago.

Obsessing about coronavirus

Thinking about the pandemic night and day does tighten your chest and break out out into a cold sweat but that’s old-fashioned dread, not the virus. This means you’re free to spend your days bouncing from one news site to the other in a state of permanent anxiety.

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Days now take f**king weeks

THE UK has agreed that days at this point are taking weeks, and weeks are taking entire f**king years. 

The advent of widespread homeworking, closed schools, being unable to go anywhere and the accelerating pace of events mean that this time last month’s cinema visit is a distant memory.

Tom Logan of Mansfield said: “A few 30-minute work calls on Monday morning? Sure. Location: my front room. Duration: one day.

“In one sense nothing happens. But on my phone a year’s worth of news events is being fast-forwarded through like a montage.

“I was glad it was Friday when it was Tuesday. I found myself staring into a cupboard with a packet of Hob-Nobs in hand for 45 minutes, or was it six hours?

“A greater power is clearly f**king with humanity’s sense of time. Though my girlfriend says that’s just my excuse for being on PlayStation until 3am.”

Quantum physicist Dr Helen Archer said: “As far as we can tell, 2020 will not end.”