Doing the conga, and five other things that are down 100 per cent

BEEN at a party and grabbed the hips of the last person in line to join the joyous conga kicking its way past recently? Of course not. And all these things are also gone: 

Embracing a Mafia don

IN the old days, everyone would embrace their local Mafia don with a hug and a kiss on both cheeks before congratulating him on his daughter’s wedding. Not now. A nod of the head from a safe distance will suffice and not be taken as disrespect.

Hot tub orgies

Even though we’re getting to know our neighbours better than ever, inviting them round for a soak in the hot tub followed by sex is strictly off the table. The responsible thing to do is cut down the pampas grass in your front garden to send a message.

Thumb wars

At least these times of trouble have brought peace to innocent thumbs. Let’s hope they enjoy it, because the times of war will probably return before the year is out.

Giving work colleagues unwanted shoulder massages

Already an abhorrent practice, but thanks to the current pandemic there’s at least a hope you might realise it has to stop for yourself without being referred to HR.

Talking about the football transfer market

Every league in the world apart from Belarus is cancelled, as is Euro 2020. And even worse the simple pleasure of speculating whether Jadon Sancho will be joining your club for £160m has been taken away, even though it’s no less pointless than before.

The conga, the hokey-cokey and Oops Upside Your Head

All gone. You can almost hear the distant, remembered echoes of ‘Hey, who fancies doing our regular Monday lunchtime conga?’ before a few murmurs and the reply ‘Yeah, I forgot about social distancing. Sorry.’

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Hands like sandpaper 'are the sexiest hands'

RAW, chapped hands are now the only hands Britons can bear to have touch them, they have confirmed. 

The new craze for thoroughly washing your hands upwards of eight times a day means that hands so clean they feel like industrial sandpaper are now considered highly erotic by women and men alike.

Emma Bradford of Hull said: “My hands are now at the point where the skin is is as rough as splintered wood, and I couldn’t be happier.

“I wash them at least ten times a day even though I don’t leave the house, and every time I do I sing Bohemian Rhapsody all the way through twice, even the guitar solo. And my sex life has never been hotter.

“I scraped them along my husband’s hip and he said he felt like he was being caressed by a 19th-century whaler after three years at sea. We made beautiful love that night.”

Sex blogger Francesca Johnson said: “I urge people to be very cautious of anyone they see with baby-soft hands. They are sick, infectious deviants.

“My own hands are so rough that by rubbing them together I produce enough sparks to start a fire. And that drives men wild.”