Five coronavirus lessons the world will instantly forget when this is over

HUMANITY has been reminded of what’s truly important by COVID-19. Here’s five lessons we’ll forget the moment it’s gone: 

Supermarket staff deserve respect

Last month you cursed checkout staff for scanning your shopping too fast. But now they’re  key workers on the frontline of a virus while earning paid minimum wage, you should probably hold them in higher esteem. Maybe write it down so you remember.

Experts give good advice

Truth-averse politicians openly disdained expertise until now, but suddenly people who’s studied a field their whole lives are being deferred to as if they know things. Don’t worry, once this crisis is over we can all believe Nigel Farage instead once again.

Too many jobs are bullshit

The world didn’t stop turning because SEO consultants had to work from home, confirming a suspicion that lots of jobs are nothing more than a grandiose title. If this sounds like you, perhaps use your furlough to learn a skill that’s actually useful.

Basic hygiene is important

Back in the day you would maybe wash your hands after taking a dump or handling raw meat, or both. Now you’re rigorously cleaning them every hour. A week after everything’s died down you’ll likely go back to a quick rinse after bagging dogshit.

Health is a public good

The more people are healthy, the less danger healthy people are in from unhealthy people. So the first policy after all this dies down will be banning migrants and EU citizens from using the NHS. To save money.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Lockdown forcing woman to realise just how bad her diet is

A WOMAN is horrified at the sheer amount of crap she eats on a daily basis now she is at stuck at home. 

Donna Sheridan, aged 32, is forced to admit that her diet is, and has always been, that of a carb-starved long-distance runner except it is just her sitting at home.

She said: “I’m in and out of meetings, I’m in the car, I grab this, I grab that, I order takeout because it’s been a stressful day. Who could quantify that? I never even tried.

“But now I realise that Flamin’ Hot Monster Munch, a Mars, a coffee and a packet of ham is probably not the healthiest thing to be eating at 10am.

“The living room bin looks like it should be in a sixth-form common room. The recycling basket’s like when that Gillian McKeith used to show families what they eat. I’m genuinely surprised I’ve not died yet.

“I thought headaches, bad guts stomach and sugar crashes were work stress. But perhaps I shouldn’t have been washing down Firestick Pepperami with Lucozade and Rennies.

“Dinner’s any time between 3pm and 1am, and how you’d describe it I don’t know. The easiest way would be ‘spicy, mostly yellow’.