Tuesday, 7th July 2020

Queen: 'Stay in't 'ouse, you'll be reet'

THE Queen has instructed Britain to stay indoors, sup a few cans, watch telly and keep its head down until ‘all this bollocks is over’. 

In a stirring address to the nation Her Royal Majesty told her subjects to give each other ‘a wide bloody berth’ in public and that ‘if they want a bit of sun, there’s nowt wrong wi’ laying out in’t yard’.

The historic address, only the fifth special televised broadcast of her reign and the first since since her emotional tribute to Sir Alex Ferguson after his 2013 resignation, was made from her palace in Bolton and focused on good solid common sense.

She continued: “Don’t bugger about driving to hills or that crap. Police have got enough going on without you being a fancy bollocks. If you want a view, look out t’window.

“You’ve got your kids home, you’re off work, happy days. I’m 94 next month and I’ve not got it because I’m being careful.

“Anne’s getting me bits from Morrison’s when I need them and she leaves it at end of drive. The great-grandkids Facetime and Charles blathers down the phone. Too much if I’m honest.

“Stay in’t ‘ouse, put brew on, don’t go out being a lairy dickhead. There. Why that’s hard I’ll never bloody know.”