Wednesday, 12th August 2020

Ah shit. I don't think I want to do this now

By new Labour leader Keir Starmer

YEAH. Thanks for electing me leader and everything, but is it okay if I’ve changed my mind? Because if I’m honest I want f**k all to do with this mess. 

Opposing the government’s inept Brexit, demanding more money for public services and calling Boris a wanker were the three planks of my leadership campaign.

Now nobody cares about Brexit, public services have been pretty much nationalised and you’re not allowed to be mean to Boris because he’s trying very hard and he’s got the bloody virus.

So what am I meant to do? Tell the government they’re doing a great job? Join a government of national unity so it’s my fault too? Just sit in the house ordering shit off Amazon?

What should I say? ‘Write off £13bn of NHS debt?’ They’ve done it. ‘Nationalise the trains?’ They’ve done it. ‘Unemployment benefit should be 80 per cent of pay?’ Guess f**king what.

Nobody needs an opposition party during a pandemic. Especially not an opposition party who’ve had all their policies stolen apart from free broadband, and the bastards will have had that by the end of the month.

So thanks everyone, a landslide victory and all that, but I’m thinking ‘maybe not’ with the whole Labour leader thing. Come back to me in a year or whatever if you like, but probably not even then.

Sorry about that. The best thing is probably to just not have a leader for a bit. Our popularity can only go up. Given where we’re starting from.