Veganism and six other things that aren't really happening right now

THE last month has been a bonfire of high-minded intentions in the face of reality. So what have you given up on? 

Being vegan

There’s a time and place for making a radical change to your diet, and it turns out a global pandemic isn’t it. All those people preaching about plant-based diets three months ago are back on the sausages, and loving it.

Only reading books by women

Did you resolve to spend 2020 only reading books by women to give you a fresh perspective on the world? And yet here we are two weeks into lockdown and you’re balls-deep in re-reading Sven Hassel’s panzer regiment books.

Pop-ups

Whether it’s a vintage clothing boutique, an Indonesian street food stall or a neo-R&B club night, there are no pop-ups. There are barely any permanent shops. Pop-up online if you want. See how that works for you.

Duolingo

What the f**k would be the point of learning a new language now?

Extinction Rebellion

In one sense, the Extinction Rebellion environmental protest movement has stopped dead. In another more direct sense, half the world is quietly rebelling against extinction right now. Just without glueing themselves to roads.

Training for a Tough Mudder or whatever

Difficult as it is to accept, nobody gives a toss about your Tough Mudder or Himalayan trek or whatever anymore. And even harder to accept, they never did.

Brexit

Face it. Nobody cares. Everyone’s moved on. You’ve got the excuse you’ve been praying for, Boris.

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You’re keeping the economy going by ordering Deliveroo at least once a day

Think how many people you’ve kept in work: several chefs, all those struggling food suppliers, and the Deliveroo rider you were kind enough to chuck a miniscule tip at from a two-metre distance.

You’re doing a poor job at home-schooling your kids

This means teachers will feel valued. You’ve already told your Facebook friends you’re in awe of Miss Chapman and her educational prowess. And you’re giving her another chance to shine when the schools go back and she has to make your kids redo the worksheets you ignored to watch Loose Women.

You did a whole two minutes clapping the NHS

Even though it was cold on your balcony and your dinner was ready. Congratulate yourself for soldiering on despite the fact that the clapping really hurt your delicate little hands and your tummy was rumbling.

You’re using less toilet paper

It’s a bit inconvenient because you’re eating twice as much under lockdown, but loo roll is a valuable resource now. Thankfully you’ve got a load of stockpiled Andrex Washlet wet wipes in the garage and they feel much nicer on your bum anyway.

You’ve made a contact rota for your mum

Yes, you’ve scheduled your brother to do 90 per cent of the calls, but you’ve already spoken to her twice this month. You’ll be focusing on doing PE with Joe Wicks instead. It’ll teach you vital information about keeping fit, which you’ll share with your mum when you next call her in May.