Five signs you're going stir-crazy

YOU’VE been stuck in the house for what feels like, what, 30 years now? So, there’s a good chance that you’ve started to go stir crazy. Here are five signs to look out for.

You’re bored of Netflix

You’ve watched everything on Netflix and have moved on to watching things that are cooking in the microwave and putting together your own back story for them. You’ve realised just how much character and nuance a frozen lasagne has, when you really think about it.

You drank that bottle of Martini Rosso

What is Martini Rosso? You’ve never cared to find out before, when more tasty and normal alcoholic beverages were just a trip to Sainsbury’s away. However, the thought of the long, sad queue is now more disturbing than the contents of the bottle, so you’ve drunk it. And you still don’t know what it is.

You don’t know what time or day it is, and it doesn’t matter

Fancy a roast chicken at 3am? Go for it. Meeting your mates in a virtual Zoom pub at 2pm on a Monday? Who gives a shit? If you aren’t too overwhelmed by constant, gnawing anxiety, try to enjoy yourself, as you’ll probably never get the chance to legitimately do batshit things at weird times again.

You’ve started crying at the drop of a hat

Your nerves are so frayed that you weep at any provocation, from clapping for the NHS to heartwarming videos of families singing songs from musicals, which you would usually detest. In fact, you would genuinely burst into big heaving sobs if someone did drop a hat.

Your family are worried

You have been stroking the kettle on your lap for five minutes whilst you wait for the cat to somehow boil in the kitchen. When your family gently point out your mistake you reply that you bought the cat at John Lewis, it’s under warranty and you’ll be exchanging it the moment all this nonsense is over.

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Married couple still not bored enough to have sex

A MARRIED couple in lockdown with absolutely nothing to do are still not bored enough to have sex with each other. 

Child-free couple of thirteen years Tom and Clare Logan have both briefly considered intercourse as a way to combat the tedium of social distancing, and independently come to the same negative conclusion.

Clare Logan said: “Of course we want to. We just both lead such busy lives, what with our packed schedule of baking, arts and crafts and Animal Crossing.

“Plus. there’s our once-daily walk around the block and we’re swamped looking after our newborn sourdough starter. As soon as things are less hectic, I’m sure we’ll make time for each other.

“We nearly did it yesterday, but then Tom briefly spluttered after taking a sip of water. Maybe it went down the wrong way, but just to be on the safe side, we decided he should self-isolate and sleep in the spare room for a couple of weeks. At least.”

Tom Logan said: “I’m sure if the lockdown goes on much longer, we’ll be forced by circumstance to rediscover the intimacy and excitement of our early relationship.

“God, I hope they find a vaccine soon.”