Inconsiderate prick brings children to London

A PAIR of selfish pricks have brought their children to central London, ruining it for everyone. 

Martin and Emily Bishop brought their offspring to the capital so they could show them ‘some culture’, meaning more than eight million people have had to put their lives on hold while bloody kids run around.

Francesca Johnson of Fulham said: “It’s just selfish. Why couldn’t they take them somewhere child-friendly, instead of imposing on us?

“London’s clearly not safe for kids. Officially, yes, they’re allowed and nobody’s actually said anything, but there’s a trail of tuts and dirty looks from Regent’s Park to Lambeth.

“They’re in our art galleries with their joyfully naive remarks, they’re on our Tube spoiling our heads-down misery, they’re stopping us swearing and discussing what drugs we’re taking this weekend on our very streets.

“Come on. Take them to Nottingham or Cardiff or somewhere suitable, where serious adult people aren’t doing serious adult things that shouldn’t be interrupted. Jesus.”

Eight-year-old Jack Bishop said: “I didn’t like London. It’s noisy and dirty and there’s nothing to do. I don’t know why grown-ups like places like that.”

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'I caused Brexit to further my career,' admits Laura Kuenssberg

BBC political editor Laura Kuenssberg has admitted she is the Machiavellian puppet master behind Brexit, which she triggered to boost her career.

Kuenssberg revealed that the prolonged and confusing withdrawal of the United Kingdom from the European Union seemed like the easiest way to secure herself a pay rise and loads of juicy overtime.

She continued: “It’s the worst-kept secret in the industry that the quickest way to climb the career ladder is to undermine the foundations of Western democracy.

“All I had to do was play the parties off against each other, keep Nigel Farage from retiring, and invent the occasional new clause to spice the story up. All without blowing my cover or tooting my own horn over my genius masterplan.

“It looked like it was all over last weekend, but I left a draft amendment on Letwin’s desk and nudged Boris to get everything over with in a hurry. A desperate roll of the dice on my part but it paid off.”

She added: “Whoever’s behind this Extinction Rebellion stuff is playing a good game, and whichever US hack’s got Trump’s impeachment going is serious competition I’ll have to deal with sooner or later.

“But Brexit? That’s a job for life mate. My job. So back off.”