The BBC vox pop moron's guide to the general election

ARE you the sort of person the BBC interviews in shopping precincts during the day for your banal opinions? Here moron Norman Steele gives his advice on voting in a December election.

Base your vote on ‘common sense’

Not the sort of common sense that says ‘I should stop buying lottery tickets because I’ve won nowt in 20 years’. No, the sort that says, ‘Nobody can tell what will happen in the future, so let’s give Brexit a whirl!’

Vote for some totally irrelevant reason

Was a policeman once a bit rude to you? Do you find Eddie Izzard unsettling? Have local roadworks complicated your journey to Asda? Have a good fume about these and vote for whoever you wrongly imagine will do something about them.

Do not read or watch anything vaguely intelligent

The Daily Express and your local newspaper are the only information sources you need for a general election. If someone suggests something more balanced, just say “They’re all biased!” and get back to reading dubious Facebook posts claiming Jeremy Corbyn was in the IRA.

Use your superficial prejudices

Is Jo Swinson a bit young to be prime minister? Do you not like Keir Starmer’s hair? These are sound and valid reasons on which to base your vote.

Complain politicians are ‘all the same’ then vote for the most obvious charlatan

You should firmly believe that all politicians are liars and crooks, a view many people will sympathise with. However when it comes to voting, completely forget this and vote for an obvious chancer like Boris or Farage because, as is well-known, ‘Britain’s full’.

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Man naively thinks six bottles of wine enough for baby boomer grandparents

A MAN is fooling himself into believing a case of wine is enough to satisfy the thirst of two baby boomer grandparents visiting this weekend.  

Martin Bishop, 44, is confident his parents will not consume more than a bottle and a half of wine each a day, even though their retirement appears to be a non-stop, booze-fuelled party. 

Grandparent Jane Bishop said: “Last time we visited it was a real dry old do, three bottles of wine for the entire weekend. And he had the nerve to offer me a herbal tea.

“There was no breakfast Buck’s Fizz, no lunchtime wine, no afternoon G&T and no port after dinner. I thought it was a social visit, not a meditation retreat.

“When we get together with our retired friends a Wednesday night dinner party is like a Bacchanalian orgy. You’d think the younger generation would be doing the same.

“But then I suppose they have to get up for work and they can’t afford fine wines every night because of their crippling mortgages we didn’t have to pay.” 

Bishop added: “Who am I kidding? A case isn’t going to be enough. They’re like machines that run on Merlot, gin and Shania Twain. I’ll do a run to Aldi now.”