By professional jobseeker Tom Logan, aged 44
LONG-TERM unemployment means playing the long game. And while all you suckers have been buying houses, cars and holidays, my grift has paid off big-time.
Yep, benefit claimants like myself kept our eyes on the prize through years of subsistence incomes, and guess what? We’re exempt from hosepipe ban fines. You pathetic losers with decent incomes are kicking yourselves now.
Sure, I’ve been through tough times since I was laid off from the Nissan factory 22 years ago. But now? Now they can’t hit me with a £1,000 fine as I live it up on my £76.96 a week Universal Credit and unlimited water.
Don’t think I won’t be exploiting this loophole. I’m up watering the garden of my council flat at 4am, then on the hour every hour until midnight. It’s a swamp! While alarm clock Britain watches their herbaceous borders wither and die!
So what if the kids haven’t had Christmas presents since Bratz dolls were in? Who cares if regular DWP errors mean my payments are cut off for three months? My lawn’s green while those of big detached houses are yellow, so I win.
For decades I endured the taunts of ‘scrounger’ and the petty rules of Jobcentre Plus. It was worth it. I told my family: ‘Our problems are over. From now on you can have anything you want, so long as it’s watering the lawn or standing under a hose.’
I even got a call this morning offering me a job. Couldn’t stop laughing. ‘Stick your capitalist wage slavery up your arse,’ I said, ‘for I am the Water King.’
It’s no wonder the tabloids hate people like me, able to water our lawns all day if we want, the police standing by impotently. Truly, we have beaten the system. Until it rains.
