Knackered old toys incredibly precious once destined for charity shop, children decide

CHILDREN who have forgotten unwanted old toys cannot live without them the moment they are going to the charity shop. 

Any bag spotted by the front door instead of being immediately removed to the car boot will trigger a wave of nostalgia, longing and devotion that overwhelms any eight-year-old mind.

Seven-year-old Tom Logan said: “No! Not my dinosaur puzzle! This is my favourite toy EVER!

“And my glittery teddy I got at the school fayre! And my fire engine where the sirens only make a gurgling noise! And my broken lizard robot! I love these toys so much!”

Mum Emma said: “He has not touched any of that shit in literal years. If I’d managed to get it in the car, not only would he not have noticed it’s gone, he’d have denied it ever existed.

“While he’s distracted with the Kit-Kat I’ve thrown in the garden while shouting ‘Fetch!’ I’ll sneak his marble run and all those f**king WWE figures into the car before love swells in his annoying childish heart once again. I blame Toy Story 3. 

“I should do this with all his books. Then he might actually read something for a bloody change.”

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Inflation enthusiastically joins in 1970s revival

INFLATION has announced it is jumping into the current 1970s revival of strikes and power cuts gripping the nation by going up to 18 per cent. 

Never slow to catch a trend, inflation has decided to stop dabbling at a mere 10 per cent and to thrill the nation by doubling in just a few short months.

A spokesman said: “Everybody’s doing it, baby! The streets of Edinburgh are piled high with rubbish, the reservoirs are cracked and dry, and inflation’s riding the retro wave.

“Hey, when you can’t get a train for strikes, when you’re being exhorted to buy British and when supermarket shelves are simply empty, why miss out? Inflation’s as cool as rolling a spliff on a record sleeve right now.

“It was at all the big 70s happenings: the oil crisis, the winter of discontent, Pink Floyd at Earl’s Court, so it’s really an integral part of the decade. You wouldn’t enjoy butterscotch Angel Delight if inflation didn’t mean it was all you could afford.

“And with the calamitous economic policies of a dire prime minister on the way, inflation could even beat its 1975 peak. Wow. We’ll be dancing in the streets while throwing petrol bombs! Boogie wonderland, man!

“Hey, you know what trend goes really well with rocketing inflation? Far-right fascism. You think Britain’s ready for it? I kinda do.”